or Things you’d know if you called your mother more often.

I’m Kris. I’m a 36-year-old single woman living and avoiding people in the nation’s capital. This? This is where I write. I started this site three years ago as an outlet for pent-up creative energy. During that time, it’s become a good friend and a most attentive lover.

The posts on these pages will best tell who I am, but for those of you who like to kick it old school with the Cliffs notes, here’s a refresher.

Family. My father died in 2008. (Now that’s the way to start a conversation, friends.) My mother lives only a few towns and one state away, but she fears the city, preventing unannounced visits. I love her dearly. We like to meet regularly for lunch at Taco Bell, which is odd, given that she takes a limo to most events with friends and wears hosiery to Trader Joe’s. We don’t discuss sex, perspiration, or the F word. Any of the F words, actually.

I’m from New Jersey. Got a What Exit joke? Save it for the carpool, asshat. I am loyal to my motherland and have never heard anyone worth his kosher salt call it “Joisey.” I don’t know Tony Soprano, and no, I don’t drive an IROC. I do wish I owned a diner.

Kids. I don’t want human children but think it’s nice that you have yours. I have a three-legged cat. He grew a cancerous bulge on his hip last year, so I did what any loving mother would do, and I removed the leg using an emory board and some oven cleaner. My other cat has all her legs, which I discovered is not nearly as interesting to spring on sober people at a party.

Passions. I love to travel. I grew up with a full passport and only wish I was still allowed in cockpits. I’m a window seater. I love to drink on planes and always get to the airport at least an hour before the FAA demands. I hate fanny packs. I’ve never flown in first class, but have wandered my way up to make friends on a few occasions. If I need to walk more than a half-mile I’ll wear my chucks and bring my heels in my purse.

Wine. I love wine. I love Cabs and Pinots and Merlot and Chardonnay and Port. I reserve only the finest Gewürztraminers and Rieslings for my cats’ water dish. The kids don’t seem to know the difference, and it makes their routine tooth extractions easier on all of us.

I love Diet Coke, all media related to true crime, large sporting events that don’t involve killing live or stuffed animals, that Twilight Zone with Burgess Meredith, the combination of raspberry and dark chocolate, and sharp wit. One of my greatest dreams is to own my own fountain soda machine. That or open a no-kill animal shelter or write something besides my thesis that requires a binding. Or maybe become a cake decorator. Or a hermit. One with enviable window treatments.

Peeves. I hate true intolerance, people lacking empathy, my cell phone, playing group sports, men who say “hit me up,” and women who converse naked in locker rooms. I hate Seinfeld, but you’ll get over it. I’m wary of people who don’t understand watermarks and adults who drink milk with dinner. Also, your mom doesn’t know how to use a semicolon properly. Just saying.

More? Email me at kris [at] notyetawino [dot] com or find me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/thewino. I’m available for bat mitzvahs and bricklaying.

Finally, welcome. I’m glad that you’re here. So pull up a chair, and let me take that bottle of wine off your hands.