My mother turned 70 this month. My sister, the event planner of the family, put together a divine bash, a dinner for my mother and 30 of her closest friends. It was a lavish event for the Likeys, one with servers and a guest book and shrimp cocktail and adult beverages. There was many a coiffed lady and all wore their finest, colorful suits and silken scarves. Baubles and kind words about my mother’s dedication to her friendships and her kindness. Yours truly gave a toast, one I wrote out on stationery beforehand and delivered courtesy of a glass of cold pinot grigio. I thanked my mother for many things. For teaching me how to iron. For demonstrating the value of close friendships. For taking care of my sister and my father and me. That last part was difficult to choke out aloud and prompted the bartender to hand me a napkin. I was also photographer for the evening, and snapped multiple photos of each person to ensure everyone showed up in one with just the right number of chins. My mother was beyond thankful for our efforts, not to mention me wearing my hair curly, just as she likes it, as she had outlined as one of her few requests for the night. Tables in rounds, speeches that didn’t say too many nice things about her, her youngest wearing her hairstyle of choice. I was immensely proud of her that night. Of the relationships she built from scratch well after turning 50, and just how beautiful and vibrant she was in the company of friends.
*****
I’m single again. I’ve been single (for a second time) for some time, if I’m honest, but it’s just now that it really feels like it. A big sigh is what you hear here. There are spaces in my day that did not exist not too long ago, voids of time once consumed by phone calls and texts. It’s the right thing to have happened, if it had to happen, but I’m left with a blend of anger and disappointment. Sadness. Back to the drawing board, back to square one, a steamer trunk of clichés that I wish I didn’t so often feel I was living. This life change coincides with a somewhat ironic experiment with Facebook, one that’s of course afforded me the opportunity to view every single person I’ve ever known and the people who love them, the women and men who make their coffee in the morning and with whom they’ve (apparently) had 65 children each. Another sigh, extended this time. Part of me worries, over thinks. The spinster with cat jokes I make ad nauseum? What if they’re true? What if this life is indeed this, and is meant to be spent alone, independent, thriving but not entirely? That’s only half of the experience, the darker side that shows its face in quiet moments and those unfilled by meetings and drinks. The other half remains hopeful, reminds herself of the beauty of the new, of the likelihood that there’s someone out there who wants to take my hand to old New Jersey haunts, to places exotic and family gatherings somewhat less so, to meet parents and friends and his goldfish. Another sigh. The man who not only wants to take my hand for the month or the year, but the one who’ll walk beside me. The one who’ll hold on to me this time.
19 Comments
Oh. I know, I know. I KNOW.
This hurt to read as much as it was reassuring to know that there is someone else I respect to high heaven who understands. I know exactly this push-pull between the good that is and what we know isn’t. I have no answers. None. I’m placed firmly in the day-to-day and I really don’t let myself think about boys too much. :) I do know, though, that I’m tired of being told how lucky I am to be unfettered. I don’t tell anyone how lucky they are to be married/partnered. I put the broad brush down a long time ago.
You are all the good you know you are, and I am voting vigorously for the hopeful half. (And until that comes true, let’s go to brunch or paint a mural or go to an island or something, eh?)
Oh, this made me want to hug you
I am sorry to hear this, but love that you realize it was “the right thing to have happened”. Look at your mom, who, at the age of 50, found new friends, a new life. You still have lots of time!
Also, I love reading your blog. You write so clearly, so beautifully. Thank you for sharing with us.
Oh, I know how this feels. :(
<3 you lady.
this makes me want to share some wine together and let out a collective sigh.
XOXO
Sweetie. xo
You could be with someone. Married. A couple of kids. And miserable. You are alone right now because you won’t settle for someone who is not right for you just to have someone. You want more. You deserve more.
You are whole and wonderful and beautiful and loved. A man will come along who will add to your happiness, who will magnify it a hundredfold. Hang in there.
Nothing is worse than going from having ’something’ to having something ‘different’. Whether that is nothing (not entirely nothing though) or that is something. The transition is never easy. I always found it the hardest at night once there was no busy work. So I drank (drink) alot :)
I kid.
you know eventually this will be better and I do know that guy is out there. I didnt find him until i was 35 and been through alot of “something else’s”
wow that made very little sense. Ignore me. I already started to drink :)
Thank you, sweet friends. All is well, or will be (I think?) I remain a believer in love. And adult beverages.
Thank you again.
I miss you. Both online and in real life.
As we get older and when our relationships end, it kind of deflates the hope balloon more, doesn’t it? I don’t say that to be depressing but to state a fact, a feeling I am familiar with. It doesn’t help to compare ourselves to people, especially on Facebook ;-), because what truly matters is what we seek for ourselves in our lives and in our own hearts. Don’t give up believing that there is that person out there who will walk beside you. I believe it for you! Because, girl, if it can happen for me, it can sure as hell happen for you.
I hope this comment isn’t coming off as douchey because that is so not how I intend it.
xoxo
I’ll marry you any given day. You’re the greatest catch ever. And think of all the wine bottle recycling that we could do together? Huge, I tell you. Huge!
Nice to *see* you again, Cookie. xo
Many congratulations to your mother. Not only making it this far, but clearly with a bunch of people who enjoy having her around. Most of all she deserves great praise for raising you, someone clearly above and beyond the norm in so many ways.
Le sigh for you and love. I was hoping it was not that way but figured as much. I’m sorry — truly. And at the same time, I know that you are not the same sort of cookie cut from the standard dough; you have your own pattern, your own fit. Congratulations for not settling on something that doesn’t match the wonders and cute quirks that you are. I am sincerely hopeful for you and insanely curious for the one that holds onto all the parts of you and makes you feel at home. Truly a fortunate person, indeed.
You are such lovely, lovely people. I’m stunned. Thank you, all.
I’m in awe of you. Hang in there, sister. I have been where you are many times more than I’d like to admit. Starting over…yet again. And again. (me) But when it’s right, you’ll know. It took me 40 years to find the right guy, but he was totally worth it. And the others? Well, blog fodder. (smile)
I was feeling a bit down and I read something that made me feel better and helped knock the dust off my hopefulness. Maybe it’ll do you some good too. :-)
http://www.notyetawino.com/2011/02/all-the-single-ladies-2/
Hey, if you ever find a great guy like that – will you ask if he has an uncle for me? Even a grampa as long as he has some teeth left.
I hear the pain though, but have given up and stopped wasting my time mourning what is gone. Trying to make the absolute best with what I have and try to have as much fun doing it as I can.
Even if it’s drinking till I crash on the couch ;)
::hug::
The first time I found your site was when I was newly broken up…5 years ago! Tonight I’m here, single again and looked up this site. I’m sorry you’re single again. There’s some comfort in shared misery I suppose. Keep writing. You have a talent and you reach people. Keep your chin up. I will too. Toast!
The comments left are so inspirational that I’m sure mine will pale in comparison but, alas, tonight I am glad to be single if for no other reason then the fact it makes me a little bit like you. Because you, my friend, are amazing. Wonderful. Courageous. And an inspiration to those of us single girls who lose perspective, from time to time, that it’s better to wait for something wonderful than settle for something ‘good enough’. And if you’re so fantastic and can be single then, gosh darn it, maybe there’s a good chance that there’s nothing wrong with me just because I’m single too.
Your Valentine’s day post gave me so much strength and hope. Most of your posts do and the very fact you can have such perspective and grace makes me want to be a better (single) person. I only hope you can find half the inspiration and strength in your thoughts and musings that I do. I have no doubt that you the kind of love you deserve, some day soon. You’re far too fabulous for that! xoox