I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but we’ve had some snow in these parts. Last night, DC and its nether regions were hit with close to a foot of snow. We’re generally awful at dealing with moisture from the sky, but during this storm we were particularly ill prepared. Close to 100 cars were abandoned on the George Washington Parkway alone, cars drained of gas and drivers similarly void of patience. My dearests’ commutes were both seven hours each; that’s 420 minutes post-work spent idling, stopped and skidding through greater DC.
I can’t have this happen to me. And if it does, I’d like to be prepared.
Behold, my list of Shit I’ll Need in My Car if I’m Stranded on the GW Parkway for 12 Mothergrubbing Hours.
Extra gas
Flares
A GPS
2 down comforters
Warm boots
Extra socks, gloves, underwear, hosiery, patent leather heels and temporary Calvin and Hobbes tattoos
A Diet Coke fountain soda machine
NBC4’s Pat Collins, complete with snow stick, to document the trip in staccato style
A carton of Marlboro Lights
Three large pies from McLean Pizza, cheese only
Baby wipes, to bathe before being rescued by hot firefighters/old men with good intentions
A case of twist-top white wine
A Bunsen burner
Marshmallows
Chocolate bars
Two dead pigs
Glee, Season One
A megaphone, to wake neighboring drivers sleeping peacefully, while singing Glee, Season One
A vibrator
David Sedaris
Lube for David Sedaris
Instructions for digging a snow cave
A second set of instructions for digging a snow cave, to be used as toilet paper
A ping pong table, without paddles
The cast of Medieval Times, Arundel Mills Mall
Double the turkey legs they generally give out at Medieval Times, Arundel Mills Mall
An IKEA catalog
The Twitter handle for the local Pepco dude, so I can bitch him out for my power being down, even though I’m not home
A vibrator for David Sedaris
Sriracha
A Flo-bee
A human skeleton
3 drunk monkeys, one of which has a snaggle tooth and three testicles
Piña colada mix
A curly straw
A copy of the The Voynich Manuscript
A blank book, for decoding of the Voynich, mocha paisley cover
Hush puppies. For Sedaris, side order
Post-its
Anal beads. For Sedaris, who is beginning to be something of a burden
BBQ Sauce, for when Sedaris’s nutritive value outweighs his entertainment value
A single spork
Your mom
Another set of anal beads
I can’t shake the feeling I’m missing something.
21 Comments
wait, wait!!! I SWEAR I’m gonna go back and read the whole thing, but I’m already laughing at :”nether regions” hahahhaa.. that’s the closest to sex I’ve been in a while ::lmao::
Sorry.. couldn’t help myself.
and yes, actually, I DO carry quite a few of those in my car and somethins’ startin’ to smell a bit “off” ::lmao:: girl – you crack me the hell UP!!
wine
Economy m-sized box of Nicoderm patches. For the other arm.
A face mask made of Tom Kierein’s skin.
I love you.
My friend was a few cars ahead of me yesterday as we sat there for three hours and had I not already needed to use the outside bathroom, I was going to take a few from his 12 pack of beer. It got to the point where I was making pro cons lists for drinking beer vs going to the bathroom outside in a spotlight from everyone’s car lights.
I do not want to be within 100 feet of Pat Collins, EVER. Ever!
I’m riding with you from now on.
“A Flo-bee”
Nice.
I would be stuck in a car with you anytime. One caveat: we’ll have to get some sort of plug-in thingamabob for my vibrator, as I don’t do batteries, nor does my Hitachi.
I had power out, no heat, no hot water, a tree down that was blocking the road and (BEFORE I DRANK A DROP) fell down the front steps and hurt my tuchus. Worst snow *event* ever.
Ha, what a great list! Two dead pigs? If you’re packing a bunsen burner, chocolate bars and marshmellows, you might as well throw in graham crackers for smores.
So the party’s in your car?
OMG you crack me up! I was laughing right from the start, but you really got me with:
“3 drunk monkeys, one of which has a snaggle tooth and three testicles”
And then, “Anal beads. For Sedaris, who is beginning to be something of a burden”.
I like the way your mind works!
can i get a ride home?
xoxo
I am sure David Sedaris won’t mind living in your trunk. I mean, what else does he have going on?
Considering the size of Sedaris, it might be awhile until he is nutritive. But the brain might be the best source of calories in 5 miles, so…
You are the funniest fucking person I know.
I miss you.
(BAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA.)
Also, Pat Collins made the big NBC news that night. I know on account of my friend Tweeted at me about it from the Twitter.
I wonder how long it took Jack Diamond to get home?
BAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA.
I would take Doug Hill over Pat Collins. And maybe throw in Lisa Baden. Also I don’t see xanax on your list.
I’d be good with the carton of Marlboro Lights and David Sedaris.
This sounds about right…..so if you’re stranded you are going to have the time of your life.
I’ve got a throw blanket. With snaps. and roller skates. I could make a fire with all the junk mail i “intend to take to the shredder” as well.
But your list is way more awesome
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LOL!!! :)