I’m trying my best in one particular aspect of my life to remain restrained, classy, appropriate. I’m wondering on odd days just what the sense is. I am my mother’s daughter, a woman who makes few waves and often accepts things as they come to her. I’m also the woman she raised me to be, the one who knows she deserves respect and is allowed to demand it. I’m now on the fence. I haven’t decided the best course of action if any, am unsure as to what’s appropriate, and whether or not I’ll ultimately even care. I do know I don’t like living in any kind of limbo when it isn’t necessary. It isn’t necessary. I’m also sad that I’m always the person to make the first move in every situation, every moment left of status quo. Every single time. I ache at this, the translation one that I’m somehow worth less to the other, no matter how irrational. It’s maddening. Life isn’t about project management, about being the person who rallies the troops and reminds those involved what we’re all here for. Sometimes someone else needs to take the reins, the responsibility not just for his own feelings, but for those of the people for whom he cares. It’s just being human. And it just isn’t that fucking hard to be human, is it?
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17 Comments
I think I understand Kris — probably too much. Why can’t anyone else reach out or admit fault?
Thank you. I’m having similar thoughts about a situation of my own and your reminder to stay restrained, classy and appropriate hit home. I hope you find your situation resolved and yourself released from limbo soon.
The high road is sometimes just so damn high! I can relate to this more than I’d like to be able to.
Apparently.. for some people it IS hard. for others… it’s absolutely impossible to act with a human heart.
::hug::
It shouldn’t be, should it? And yet some for some people it just is.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. I hate being there yet find myself there all too often.
Limbo makes me crazy. People not taking responsibility makes me crazy. And the high road can be so difficult. I haven’t always taken it – sometimes it’s just too hard – although I tend to regret when I don’t. But I always take responsibility. And it shouldn’t be that hard to be human.
It shouldn’t be. but some people excel at making it seem impossible.
And no, you should not have that burden on you all the time. You deserve to have someone show up for you.
Unless I am misreading this post. Which could be entirely possible.
Oh, god, I’ve totally been there. I’m so sorry :( It sucks.
It is frustrating.
I know.
I hope it gets better for you. I have a theory. Parents create monsters. Your mom taught you to be an upstanding responsible human being, hopefully I taught my daughter these traits as well. Far too many people hand their children excuses and exemptions for standing up, owning up, sucking up. Whether it’s in your relationships, work enviroment, or at the fast food drive through it is a sad commentary on humanity, parenting, and our society.
Yes, it is that hard. I don’t think some people know what it means to be human.
I’m in the same place right now, and it’s eating me up inside. I’m not very good at biting my tongue. I need blinders to reach the high road, I tell you.
Being in limbo is always so unsettling. Especially when it’s directly caused by another human being, when you’re waiting for the next _____________. Fill in the blank with whatever you’re looking for.
It’s hard for many to be humbled. But humility is rewarding. Some people don’t understand that because of their fear of it.
I hope things become more clear soon. Keep trekking, Dante.
I’m just reading this, shaking my head going “Mmm, mmm, mmm, giiiirrl, don’t I know.” Yeah. I *do* know.
I’m happy that you’ve chosen the classy, high road; I wish I could be more like you. I’m pretty straightforward, and have learned to call bullshit when I see it. This doesn’t always make me popular (um, it never does actually) but I went through *years* of trying to keep quiet just to be classy. Now I’m trying to find a balance between opening my mouth and sticking up for myself, and having a quiet dignity. Hmmm…where is that balance?
I’m saddened to hear that so many seem to relate; I pictured posting this to crickets, if I’m honest. I almost wish that had been the case (for your sakes).
What I’m feeling right now is difficult to capture, and naturally what I expressed above was a slice of time. I’ve moved on in a matter of 24 hours from frustration to guilt. “You should be more understanding, Kris. We’re all doing our best in life. Extend the compassion you’d want shown to you.”
And then I remind myself that I still want compassion shown to me. Caring. And the 180 that I experienced to be explained. Not by chat. Not by text. A depth of understanding that I deserve more than this. I have immense love and appreciation and respect that sit next to this frustration. That bipolarity is difficult to reconcile. Also? This is all really hard. I’ll admit it.
I like Allie’s idea of striving for balance. I appreciate that this allows me to embrace both of my extremes. I wonder if I’ll ever stay in the middle . . . ever? Not sure I’d really want to.
I stumbled on your site today thru a mutual blog friend, and stopped b/c I too, love wine:)
I’m sorry you have to be the strong one…again (I’ve been there too- argh).
all I can say is take a deep breath, and concentrate on yourself…
Don’t let the turkeys get you down :)
just read your comment…. i just keep thinking of you and being happy for you that the idiot showed his colors when he did – my divorce was only last fall – after 23 years – completely out of the blue and I’m pretty sure at this point I’m never gonna get any kind of explanation i can even begin to understand. Half my life, and most of my “history”, and all of my future just put the keys on the table one day and walked away for new interests. I so totally know what you’re going through – but now looking at it from a new angle, some people just aren’t ABLE to explain..or feel like we do. something is different about how some people are wired. Like us.. apparently we got their share of heart. Lets be blessed for that :))
I get this. I wish I didn’t (because aren’t I too old to be in these situations so often)?, but I do. I made a conscious choice in the last year to live with the most open heart I could manage, without fear or the need for protection, knowing that at my core, I’m strong like steel. Soft heart; steel core. It’s its own kind of balance, I guess. But not easy to maintain, and a choice that must be made over and over, especially in the wake of endlessly disappointing human relationships.
I’m sorry, Kris, that you are here right now.