I love the questions I get on Formspring, mostly because they make me think, also because they give me post ideas. The following question was submitted by an old Interwebs friend (I’ll let that person self-identify if so inclined). It’s odd; when you lost a parent or someone close to you, you become part of a club. I picture if we were to meet, we’d all exchange knowing glances and tips on what worked for us, what foods dropped on our doorsteps in the days following were most welcomed (an array of cheeses), what well-intentioned but ridiculous things people said to us in the weeks following (“he’s in a better place.”) I allowed myself five minutes to respond to this question, mostly because any more would take me to a place I wasn’t prepared to go that night. There’s much more to write, of course. I trust I’ll be capturing my father, and my feelings about both living with and without him, for decades to come.
Here’s a tough one, how has losing a parent changed you? (I’ve lost two siblings and I morphed into a different person, oddly more confident and more about “the moment”. I feel like I relate to you well because your tragic loss, as odd as that seems.)
Losing my father has made me more appreciative of my mother, more mindful of my interactions with her. I appreciate her more, try to treat her with more respect rather than reverting to my 12-year-old antics when she and I hit a bump in our relationship road.
Losing my father has left me with holes inside, noticeable in the oddest of moments, those times when I wonder if I need my oil changed, when I have a question about shellfish. I ache that he will never see me married or publishing a book or reforming myself, just as I have over the two years since he’s been gone.
Losing my father has made me more committed to doing something with this life, just as he did, to traveling and leaving an imprint. To being kinder and knowing when to sacrifice your own needs for another. To being more human in my everyday. I’m guessing parents could ask for very little more.
I’m lucky in that I have no regrets. My father and I lived lives with one another in almost complete honesty, no grudges held and an odd appreciation for who the other was, embracing it as completely as we both could. I worshiped most every part of him and am happy to say that I bear a number of his traits. I’m also happy to say I think he’d be proud of where I am today.
But I’m not the same person. And perhaps most ironically, I’ve yet to quit smoking. It’s on the long list.
19 Comments
Losing either one of my parents is something that really scares me. The very thought takes my breath away.
This will probably sound like a huge cliche, but I admire the fact that losing your father has made you more aware of your impact on the world. You are very lucky not to have any regrets about your life with him. I do think he would be proud of where you are today.
I think my readers get an earful on this topic probably more than they’d like. As you know, losing my father changed me in profound ways- ways that I am still unraveling and not all of them “good”.
I smoked for a long time after my dad died. Quitting was hard but also, the best thing I ever did for myself. I’ve got your back, friend.
xo
Many years ago, I lost my father very suddenly. Forced me to live for the here and now and to stop doing things that kept me unhappy. But even after all these years, what still gets me is the silence in the places where he used to be in my life.
I want to say something, but I really don’t know what to say except that I love that you were blessed with a good relationship with your dad, even if it was too short a ride. xo
Thank you for sharing this, Kris. This is such a difficult question to answer, for obvious reasons of course, and also because I think the loss changes, and of course changes us, as the years go by.
I lost my father when I was 13 and it remains the single most transforming (and the single most difficult) event of my life. I honestly don’t think I started really feeling my loss until many years later. Until he wasn’t there to watch me hit so many milestones, to meet boyfriends and best friends and to laugh with me and hold me as I sobbed over broken hearts, broken dreams, little nothings.
It changed everything, losing him. And yet, I’m always struck by how on a global scale, it changed nothing. The world kept spinning as it always did, even though a large part of my world stopping breathing the day he did.
This is a terrific post. Thanks for sharing this with us.
as usual, i love the words you choose. thanks for sharing your world with us.
That was powerful post. I lost both bio parents at a young and thought that made me tough. It wasn’t until I lost my father that raised me (at 33) that I realized the delicate little girl had to grow up. Losing my ‘fix it, go to’ guy changed everything. But now I know that every time he picked me up and dusted me off he was teaching me how to make it on my own.
<3 I love these questions (and answers) too.
Sorry, that was me ^^^^
What a hard question – though I enjoyed your answer. Like everyone else who has not yet lost my parent, the thought makes my insides hurt. Thanks for your honesty and frankness, per usual.
Love this.
My dad died when I was 10, & 10 is so young that I still don’t know if I changed because of his death or because that’s what you do when you’re 10 – you change.
I lost my mum last summer- reading this made me cry as it struck so close to home (but for the smoking – mum & and quit together 6 years ago)
the experience has changed us all profoundly – mostly in that I am not putting anything off any more – life is too short
and the best thing dropped off on the doorstep? Libby Nixon’s brownies, hands down!
I lost my Dad at 15 and know that I am a different person because of it. As much of a loss as it is, it has proven to me my own resilience because, if I can survive that, I can survive anything.
Besos, darling. Can’t wait to see you!
My dad’s been gone now 15 years, and I haven’t run out of ‘things’ to write about him. I miss him every day and it’s absolutely poignant now that I have a little boy … and I just know how much my dad would have loved being a grandpa to him.
I think when you lose a parent, you become a member of a club you really had no idea to ever join. But you find a lot of support and shoulders to lean on in a lot of unexpected places.
xo
This post hit really close to home, as I have lost a few people close to me in the past year. Each experience changes and shapes the way you are, how you think, how you react to things, and your outlook on life. Some people use it to change for the better, and unfortunately some people are negatively affected.
I too lost my father two years ago, a brother more than 40 years ago – both changed me. Losing my brother brough our biological unit together as a family. Those ties have loosened as we geographically moved apart, but the bonds have not.
Don’t cringe, my father’s passing brough me peace and joy. He battled emphyzema for decades, the frustration of being airless in the midst of a task important to him. It was hard to see him like this because I know how much it hurt him, how much he bore the weight of having led himself to this phase of his life. I miss him immensely, but I still talk with him daily, and feel him around me.
The best thing dropped off on the doorstep. A massive pot of home made chili when my father in law died. I begged for the recipe – delicious.
Thank you so much for sharing this question with all of us. I really enjoyed your response as well as the responses of your readers. Death changes us in many ways. For me it taught me to open up as a person. No reason to keep things buried inside. You rock Kris.
Wow. What a beautiful, inspiring, yet heart-breaking post. I can only hope to live my life in such a way it has half the impact your father had in dying. What a remarkable man he must have been, to have a daughter like you. *hugs*!
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. No quit smoking, dammit!
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