Our episode opens in the Winnebago, the girls on a road trip, which of course signals lifelong love and/or reality programming. They’re headed to San Francisco, which we know only because the girls voiceover scream when they see the San Francisco road sign. They also squeal when they walk into their hotel rooms, because they’ve apparently never seen beds before.  Tenley, one of two girls left with a name that’s the same as a DC locale, says she’s nervous. She’s very cute, but I’d be nervous too if I’d chosen to wear a velvet tee on television.

First date is with Tenley! A trolley just for them! I’d totally ask the driver for Rice A Roni. They’re headed for Chinatown, and I’m more excited than they are, because I’m quite sure they’ll get in at least one inappropriate racial remark. Their conversation is so boring and not even a trip to the fortune cookie factory can save them. They kiss like brother and sister do. I mean, how I imagine they would. You know what I mean. Jake says he “wants to get in her head” tonight, which of course gives me a good chuckle. West Coast head must be very different than what the kids are doing here. The reject bachelorettes back at the hotel are drinking and being blonde, a well-known combination for getting into a fight. They don’t disappoint. Vienna (DC locale #2) brings out the claws, yet I don’t recall the content, given that I’m obsessed with her dying her hair dark. She does not work as a blonde.

It’s dark outside now, and Tenley and Jake are on their solo date, Jake wearing a black turtleneck and an obsession with Tenley having been married. The two of them pummel each other with amazingly heavy questions. “What do you expect out of a marriage?” “Are you passionate about being in love?” “Do you mind that I look like Marsha Brady?” Tenley brings up the issue of pilots and faitfulness. Jake’s response? “The woman that I marry will be the last woman that I look at.” Bwahahaha! Really? Really. She doesn’t laugh in his face, so Jake knows he might still “get in her head.” They crack open fortune cookies they’ve made for one another, and before they make out for another minute or two, Jake mentions Tenley’s marriage yet again. Not sure if you knew it, but Tenley’s been married before. Which apparently makes her some sort of love Yoda.

Vienna and one of the girls who’s not particularly memorable get to go on a two-on-one date, or a threesome, or whatever they call it in San Francisco. They producers provide them with a trunk full of clothes, all of which are very tight and bedazzled. This couldn’t get more awesome. They’re going to a winery that looks like the Tower of London. Unremarkable Girl talks in voice over about how she feels like a third wheel. Maybe she should have worn the PINK sequins. Apparently it’s an overnight date, which is incredibly awkward, but mostly because I don’t think either girl will have good bedhead come sunrise.

Out of nowhere, Vienna starts crying about last week’s rose ceremony. Jake calms her fears but becomes Captain Obvious in a voice over, saying that the moment was incredibly awkward. He leaves for alone time with Unremarkable Girl, and UG says to Vienna as she’s leaving, “you can eat my salmon.” BOOYAH. I’m so using that at work tomorrow. As an aside, I can’t understand why, when these women finally get alone time with Jake, they either 1) talk about the other women in the house, or B) analyze the fact that Jake is dating more than one of them. You applied to be on a show called THE BACHELOR. UG and Jake kiss. “It’s ok to fall,” he tells her. Creepy, Jake. I picture a Dateline episode in their future.

Because crazy makes for good TV, Vienna goes through the castle looking for Jake and UG. In the darkness. With an oil lamp. They scare her, and she squeals, saying she wants “her boyfriend.” God this is creepy. Vienna has some alone time with Jake now, and goes for mistake letter B above. Vienna comments that she thinks Jake is “distant.” I don’t know about you, but the stalker in the dungeon thing might make me think twice. Jake winds this alone time up but quick, and takes the girls to the room they’ll share awkwardly after having made out with the same guy. Insert gratuitous photos of Jake getting undressed for bed here. We think the girls will turn in at this point, but guess what? Crazy doesn’t sleep! Crazy resurfaces! Vienna leaves the Awkward Room and stalks Jake, wine glass in hand. Yikes. She locates him in the man pit. Jake admits to dirty thoughts about Vienna, but he doesn’t want to upset the delicate UG, who’s back in the Awkward Room rightfully thinking something along the lines of “Smooth Move, Ex Lax.” I need a glass of wine.

It’s a new day in San Fran! Jake has a one-on-one date with Corey, and the day opens with them running into each other’s arms from opposite sites of the park. I shit you not. They’re going out in a rowboat and she’s in heels, of course. Even the mallards are mocking. They bond over the fact that neither is into “recreational dating,” but are both cool with meth and excessive taco consumption. In the voice overs, they each discuss how the boy should lean in to kiss the girl, and then they flash back to the two of them in the boat, and when things are winding down and you’re pulling for Jake to lean in and plant one on her in one of the most romantic moments in Bachelor history, or something like that, he instead says, “Immabout ready for dinner.” Ouch. They head to the aquarium for a dinner of green beans and mahi. The fish are appalled. The conversation gets very serious very fast; Jake focuses on their relationship moving too slowly. Corey promptly removes her panties and throws them into the tank. Nah. In the awkwardness, Jake presses her with really uncomfortable questions, which does nothing to ease the discomfort. Then the record screeches to a halt when she says she’s saving herself for marriage. As in the sex. We might as well do the rose ceremony now.

The SF native is next up for a one on one, and I predict they’ll be in her pad by the end of the date. She says she’s ready to give him “her heart, her soul, everything!” HI-larious. Jake buys her flowers on the street, which she is over the moon about, and his act naturally prompts the requisite squeal. The reject bachelorettes are shown back at the hotel, likely guzzling Pepto cocktails. Jake and San Fran eat, during the daytime, by candlelight. Awesome. Serious conversation ensues, about Jake liking San Fran, about SF liking Texas. She says she checks her email on Sunday mornings, which I’m quite sure Jake is presently weighing against waiting to bang Corey until their wedding night. This must work in her favor, because he goes in for the kiss.

They take a walk by the water and then play soccer in the park, which every girl wants to do in a dress and boots. Funsies! But noooooo. We can’t keep things light; Jake wants to bring up last week’s rose ceremony. But not before some hard core making out in front of the children of San Fran. They pop some champagne and Jake pops the question about last week. Jake clearly likes her really vague response about hating/not hating Vienna, although I’m not at all sure what she said. Sometimes this show needs subtitles, people. Jake finally gives her the grabbed-chin kiss. There’s a beautiful shot of them smooching by the bridge, and as the camera retreats, we can see that Jake is wearing sneakers. Nice. They tease one another and ultimately jump in the water fully clothed — what?!? — and kiss while a moment-hogging lab runs into the shot behind them. Camera hounds.

Thankfully, the dog and pony show is over. Almost time for the rose ceremony. Everyone needs to get sufficiently boozed beforehand, of course, so the producers waste time by giving him one-on-one time with each girl before the heartbreaking begins. Tenley goes first. MORE SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT HIM LIKING OTHER WOMEN. Jebus. Have these girls never been on other dates before? Dudes are ALWAYS dating another girl. Ahem. Tenley and Jake dance together on some particularly gaudy carpet, a bonding moment that research has shown actually helps with maintaining and rekindling romance. (#amgeek)

Corey goes next, and I’ll give you the choice. Do you think they talk about a) puppies, b) neoclassicism, or c) her virginity? DING DING DING! Jake says her promise ring is totes cool, and that’s the end of that. UG is next, who I’ve since learned has the nice Christian name of Gia, and she looks lovely and classy. Jake says she’s unlike the other four girls, and I’m hoping that’s not because I couldn’t remember her name. He then pulls Vienna aside, and she’s clearly irritated that she he hasn’t come for her sooner. Jake says he wants to make the moment special, so he takes her back to HIS SUITE, to show her the view from his balcony. Wow. LIGHTS IS PRETTEH! Cue serious conversation #87, and Vienna asks him how he’s feeling. Kiss of death. Jake thinks for a moment and responds with the delightful, “it sucks.” Romance is made of moments like these, friends. Chris Harrison arrives and clinks his champagne glass, which apparently signals not only a viewer bathroom break but the imminence of the rose ceremony.

Time for heartbreak! The girls line up for the rose firing squad and they all look lovely. Jake knows what he’s doing. Hopefully tonight he won’t cry. He prefaces the inevitable by giving his usual speech about his heart breaking and then gets the show on the road. Tenley is called for a rose first! Corey purses her lips and plays with the voodoo dolls behind her back. San Fran native is next for a rose, and Gia moves her mouth in ways that make me think she’s had ventriloquist training. Gia gets a rose! Nice editing, ABC. Chris Harrison comes out to tell us what we already know: this is the last rose of the night and someone is about to get the axe. The girls make appropriately devastated faces. And? AND! HE PICKS VIENNA. Corey says her goodbyes as she makes a mental note never, ever, ever to tell another man that she’s waiting for marriage before giving it up. Jake puts on a sad face and takes her outside, arm in arm. He comments in voice over that “she took so long to open up” and that he worried that “she would never open up fully.” Wow. It doesn’t get more telling than that.

I’m sad for her, because she (like the other women) seems like good people. It matters not, of course, because we’re all in this for him to find the right one. The right one he proposes to and promptly dumps six months later.

Until next time, lovers.