I restarted Weight Watchers last week. I’d reached a tipping point, thankfully not one involving my chair, and it was time. It wasn’t the fact that none of my clothes fit that pushed me over the edge, but instead social avoidance beyond even my norm that did it. A friend I hadn’t seen in five years was coming to DC, and I was trying to think of any way to get out of seeing her. It had nothing to do with her, of course. She and I have known one another through many a difficulty, particularly that protracted one we call graduate school, and had embraced one another throughout. My hesitation was all about me. I was consumed by thoughts that she’d think I’d gone downhill, had let myself go. I like to think of myself as a woman who doesn’t care about such things, one above the superficial who takes the view that you are not your skin but your passions, a product of how you live your days. I am apparently not.
There were signs that I needed to get my ass in gear well before her visit. I’m lethargic. A poor sleeper since birth, I always attribute increased fatigue to everything but my weight. I’ll start with the season. If it’s dark outside at 5 pm, I’ll blame it on seasonal affective something or other; if it’s light outside until nearly 9 it’s likely that the heat has gotten to me. If neither of those cuts it, I’ll tell you my exhaustion is likely due to one too many glasses of wine the night prior or stress at work or even a tiff with my mother. There’ll all probably true, of course, but carrying an extra 40 pounds factors in more than I admit. That’s four of my cats at all times strapped to my body. Thankfully my added weight doesn’t have teeth or hair, or scream to be fed daily at 4 am, but I trust you understand the impact. My clothes also haven’t fit in some time. I chalked this up to excessive laundering, as it is a well-established fact that all pants shrink two sizes with each and every washing. Sweaters and coats didn’t button across my chest, something that isn’t entirely a bad thing given the breast boost that’s produced, but each pulled button reminded me every morning that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I’m uncomfortable in my skin and in the things I choose to cover it. At all times. When I stand up at a meeting I’m sure to see that I’ve covered up any potential bulge; I’ll wear long layers and sit down more than I should so most of me is covered by the desk. I devote what feels like endless mental energy to avoiding the obvious. It’s no wonder I’m tired.
I honestly didn’t realize it had gotten that bad. I used to scoff when I’d hear someone make that claim, but I can attest that there’s truth to the simple statement. I haven’t had a camera since the inauguration, when it clammed up right there on the Mall, and therefore I hadn’t been taking drunk shots in the bathroom mirror as all bloggers seem to at least weekly. I hadn’t really looked at my body, hadn’t studied it. The extra curve on my face, my hips, my waist. But it was that bad; it is. As I stepped on the Weight Watchers scale I unknowingly held my breath, as if the very act of breathing might tip the scale toward the unfavorable. The leader wrote down my starting weight and kindly turned the page around, noting with her pen the three large numbers my body had produced. Sweet baby Jesus, I thought. It was worse than I expected – 10 pounds worse than the total I had feared and 10 pounds higher than my heaviest weight. As in ever. I’m heavier than I was in pictures from 1995 that used to repulse me. How did that woman let herself go? my skinny self would ask four years later. That will surely never happen again.
And so Weight Watchers it is, the only thing that seems to impose some accountability and bring a scrap of excitement to this process. I have been documenting every single thing that goes in my mouth, even the single blow pop, even the ketchup that would be zero points if there indeed was a God. I’m more motivated than I’ve been in some time, but I’m not going to lie. I vacillate between feelings of excitement and seizing my damn day and complete discouragement. I’ve been doing this, off and on of course, for a long time. I know the ¼ pound weight loss weeks await. I know there are certain foods that I won’t be able to bring in the apartment for some time. I also know that I just can’t feel that way again, the way I did when I was crafting lies about my sister falling down stairs or a tsunami flooding the streets of Capitol Hill just so I wouldn’t have to show my body in public. I’m thinking abandoning Port Wine cheese for life would be better than ever going down that road again.
My next weigh in is Tuesday.
40 Comments
you have my deepest and most heartfelt admiration for embarking on this journey during the holidays. i struggle with those same things – hiding myself under my clothes, under a desk, under the covers, whatever – and one of the best feelings in the world is not feeling squeezed into your clothes. one thing that helps me when i’m just overeating for overeating’s sake (as if you wanted to jump on the advice train already, right?) is to remember that this isn’t the last french fry/cookie/container of ice cream that i’ll ever have. there WILL be more! isn’t the golden ticket or anything, but it does kind of help keep me in check…most of the time!
seriously, that first time you see your weight – not only on the scale but WRITTEN DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER is tough. but the good news is that you made it through that part! in relation to that, much of what you’ll do from here on out will be a piece of (metaphorical) cake.
It sucks. This stuggle sucks. There have been posts all over my reader about this major suckage, including mine. You are not alone.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Many, many times.
You can do it. You can.
You’re doing the most important thing to ensure this journey has a positive outcome – sharing about it. Sending lots of good juju your way (and I did not mean juju beans).
Anyone who hasn’t been right there is either in denial or is one of THOSE people.
The first bit is the worst: realizing how much energy you’ve devoted to avoiding the issue, gathering the courage and determination to do something about it, and then embarking on the journey.
You can do this.
Delurking to say I joined…again…a month ago. I am very glad I made the oh-so-humbling decision because I feel in control again.
Good for you for making that tough first step.
Oy. The beginning totally totally sucks. But just when you think it’s always going to suck, hallelujah! progress is made and you start to think that Kate Moss may have been on to something after all.
Right there with you and cheering you on.
I hear you on this, my friend. And I am right there with you. If we can support each other in changing our lifestyles and bodies that would be great. I’m in if you are?
Kick ass and throw rocks. That’s how I like to diet. ;-)
Or, just call a friend and gab on about nothing in particular when you need a distraction from the ketchup packets. Your choice. Either way, you are amazing. =-)
All of your comments — always — mean so much. Thanks for your time in reading and relating, party people. Carry on.
Spectcularly well said. One of my favorite posts of yours in a long time, probably because I can relate to it so well. Thanks for giving a far more eloquent voice to my own frustration that I ever could !! (And thanks for the mental picture of you walking around with your cats strapped to your body.)
I’m rooting for you and hope I’ll be doing the same thing soon. It sounds like you are good and ready.
I know what you mean about the tiredness – as I lug my amp in and out of the house and the car I think about the fact that its weight is actually slightly less than the extra pounds I’m carrying around with me at all times. No wonder my feet hurt.
As I mentioned on twitter – I too am on the WW journey. I can tell you that if you stick with it…it really isn’t even that hard. I have lost 14 so far and can fit in a size smaller pant. Pants that haven’t fit in over a year! And I have the next smaller size waiting in the wings. I need to take your advice on the water though…that is my biggest challenge!
Sweetie, if you ever need encouragement or advice on this journey, feel free to call on me. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Be kind to yourself. Much luck!
A struggle I’m engaged in as well, for the betterment of myself, and how I feel, and just because…well, dammit, I should. It is tough and a pain in the ass. But you can do it because — we’re all convinced — you can do anything.
I hear ya. Especially on the shrinking pants (damn laundry!) It’s amazing how this can happen, little by little, so that we don’t even notice it – but it’s true. Like you, I’ve been the thinner me looking at the photo of the heavier me and thinking, “I’ll never let that happen again!” And yet here I am, in my brand new next size up pants. Time to take control. Your my inspiration, Kris!
Also, cats are supposed to weigh 10 lbs? I think my bf’s cat needs to go to WW.
Aww! You can do it. We all get there, for me it took almost 2 years to finally do something about the FIFTY, yep 50, lbs I put on since I quit (and started again) smoking.
Alas, WW has helped me shed 10 so far, so we can be in this together! :)
Wow – that is eerily exactly what I’m going through. I have decided on Adkins and Yoga Booty Ballet. If that isn’t blog fodder, I don’t know what is :)
good for you sugar! what a positively positive thing to do..for YOU!! wishing you allll the best!
xoxo
Mama!
Harnessing the fear that kept you inside and using it as fuel? That’s, like, effing commendable. And hard to do, so don’t forget about all us folks who are cheering you along this route.
Love!
Oh god, did I write this post? I am right there with you. I’m now avoiding all photographs at all costs. The “worst” (it’s actually a good thing) part is that I’m pregnant again, so I can’t diet, I can only eat as well as possible. Uggh. I managed to get all the baby weight from #1 off, but I was still 20 lbs higher than I need to be. Now I’m just miserable thinking about doing it all over again, plus that extra 20. Good luck, you’re going to be my inspiration in 7 months (so you better be a good inspiration!!)
I’m here with ya. Rejoined in Feb, didn’t go June-August, went back with a force in Sept. It’s been 12 weeks and so far so good. You’re a hero for joining during the holiday season :)
Which location do you go to for meetings?
Solidarity, as you know.
I’m stuck, been stuck for four months, after taking those five previous months to get 15 pounds below that come-to-Jesus weight you describe, that I hit last year. And when I’m ready, very soon, to get back in the groove (because I have like 35 more to go?) I know although I go on weird fan-girl dates with Jillian Michaels I will go back home to WW. ;)
This was me, March last year. I lost the baby weight but still had all my chemo weight (prednisone is a bitch) I’m a naive sucker so I bought some of those acaii berry pills you see all over the internet. They actually gave me a smidge more energy, so I started eating a little better. The eating better gave me the impetus to start exercising. Now I do 20 minute yoga podcasts every night and eat salads with protein every day for lunch.
I’m sending you the good vibes for weight loss!!
Go get ‘em, Tiger.
Um, I think you looked damn gorgeous on Saturday. You wore the sideways snow/rain slop like the sexy diva you are.
Never forget you’re a rock star and totally capable of making some healthy changes. Now go show that piece of shit scale who’s boss!
I’m in the same boat, doll. I have managed to regain several pounds above a number I swore I’d never see again. Blast!
We can do this!!!
I hope you will continue to write about your success with this. Me, myself I so need to get on the damn wagon, I’m so unskinny its not funny. It’s an effort walking from my car to the office, the last couple of weeks I was able to blame on bronchitis, but that won’t last very long if I keep taking the antibiotics, y’know?
I agree with Paige – I thought you looked fabulous.
But I am happy to chase you around a track with a machete, if it’ll help to motivate you. I’m good like that.
I recently joined WW online (because none of the DC meetings meet at a convenient time for me, but have been slipping over the past week or so due to less than stellar results, but reading this post, I’m reinvigorated to recommit. So thanks!
Yep. Yep.
I went back to WW last weekend. It is humbling and shameful…but something needs to give.
Thanks for being so honest.
I’ve gained 15 pounds since moving to NYC. I really just want to eat better and power walk off the weight. I’m still expecting this to work.
Best of luck getting happy.
I can so relate to this.
Here from Loser Moms, and I’m glad I came. I know so much how this feels. I actually weigh more than I ever have—and I’ve been pregnant. And I too have found ways to cover up and ways to avoid and reasons why I can’t. I decided two weeks ago that the center cannot hold and I need to make something happen.
Good luck to you! Good luck with Weight Watchers. I’ve done it before and when you really work it and follow the plan, you WILL lose weight.
Found your post through Loser Moms. Welcome to the wagon. I jumped back on it in August. It’s so, so hard. Especially at the beginning. When you have so far to go, a pound at a time feels like crap. And then, lo and behold, they start to add up. Seems like yesterday I was whining about only being down a couple of pounds, and what was that compared to my goal of losing 60? Blech.
And yet, here I am. Four months later. Down 21.5 pounds. 4.5 to go to my first goal.
I’m still fat. Clothes still don’t fit well. But I have to wear my wedding ring on my middle finger because it falls off the ring finger, and the legs of my jeans are baggy. Onward.
P.S. Take a before picture. In workout clothes or (if you dare) a sports bra. You will hate it. It will make you cry. But in a month, when you’re feeling like you haven’t made any progress, take another one and photoshop it next to the first one. You’ll see the changes that are hard to see in the mirror every day, and it will help.
I’m so glad I caught this post. I’ve been doing those same thing and have become quite anti-social of late, but not really honest enough to admit why. I really admire your determination and honesty. Like you, I’ve been on WW before and it works – if you go to the meetings to weigh in. Last time, I tried the online WW but not enough accountability for me I guess. Maybe I’ll go back as well. In the meantime, I’m cheering you on! Bravo!!!
Y’all continue to rock my world. Thanks for allowing this to be a safe place where I can share this kind of goodness.
Hey – we’ve all been there. I rejoined WW last year (for the 10th time – at least) at this time and have lost only 22 lbs so far. Still have at least 60 to go. The big difference this time is that I haven’t given up – I take the 1/4 lb losses and keep on moving – literally.
You made the right choice – I’ll be traveling the path with you.
Still sucks – but at least you aren’t alone.
I was in so much pain last night. Blinded by it. I was going to read Lemon G’s blog and then pull out a book and open it to a random page, hoping for some kind of insight. Instead, I cliked, randomly, and came to this post. Wow. Wow and thank you. I testify – you told it, I needed to read it. Sistah!
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