This isn’t going to be popular with my three hippy readers or even relevant if you live in some rural parts of America, but I am writing to declare that I now hate Whole Foods (henceforth referred to as WF, because years of pesticides have left me fond of abbreviations). Hate hate hate. I hate WF like I hate the idea of owning a minivan. I hate WF like the scar on my shoulder that I tell dumb people is a cigarette burn. I hate WF more than I hate those nightmares about living with a snaggle tooth.
For starters, all Whole Foods shoppers are assholes. They have no internal compass, and apparently feel it’s their Buddha-given right to wander the aisles without any regard for the rules. It’s well-established, people; you stay to your right and I stay to mine, and we can pass without one wanting to face plant the other in organic head cheese. Second, all Whole Foods shoppers are lazy assholes. There were no fewer than six non-hybrid cars lined up in the small parking lot when I arrived, their drivers stalking shoppers to their cars and clogging up the main road to boot. Isn’t WF supposed to be about high prices AND health? That’s why you bought those comfy hemp shoes when visiting the Ben & Jerry’s mother ship, wasn’t it? Park a block away and walk. Third, all Whole Foods shoppers are lazy greedy assholes. I passed no fewer than four tasting stations, some with breads, another cheese, the last chips and a new guacamole, all of which were mobbed. People clearly hadn’t eaten since the Challenger explosion. Carts were abandoned mid-aisle, babies left terrified and screaming for their Bisphenol A-free bottles, grown men reduced to eating their entire days’ calories from a plastic bubble filled with Gruyere. Buddy, there’s a reason the hole in that bubble isn’t big enough to fit your entire head. For shame, affluent Arlington asshats. For shame.
Please let the record show that WF also never has exactly what you need. I just wanted bread. Plain white bread. Not bread with bark and pebbles embedded in it, just bread. BLTs are best served on something close to Wonder Bread, which one would think WF would carry given its role in making American kids cuter than the rest of the world’s children and WF’s supposed commitment to “satisfying and delighting our customers.” But they don’t. As fresh alternatives, I could buy wheat hamburger buns for an astounding 200 calories a bun, gluten-free breads in an array of Amish-inspired packaging, and at least 6000 different loaves with olive something as an ingredient. Not gonna cut it, and not even remotely close to what I was looking for. See also reduced-fat peanut butter. And I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. And kitty litter that wasn’t made from Recycled Washington Posts and bacon from pigs raised in Newark. Just as they should be.
And so I will stick with my UnSafeway. Because while I may get shot in the parking lot, or perhaps shivved in the rotting produce section, at least they’ll be able to pry rayon and polyester tampons from my cold, dead hands.
32 Comments
Perfect. And I completely concur.
Although the produce is a lot better than my local supermarket. And yet I rarely buy any at WF because of all the assholery.
Oh… is there, perhaps, a Fresh Market nearby? Because it has all of what’s good about WF without the self-righteousness.
My husband insisted we try a WF a couple years back because he had heard Such Good Things. We got one aisle in and he turned to me and said, “What is all this crap?” “That’s kind of their thing. Not having any normal stuff.” We left. Sort of immediately.
Now, I like a fancy grocery store as much as the next girl, but WF takes it just a wee bit far for my tastes.
They don’t have the stuff I like. All I drink is Diet Coke. I’m not making 2 trips to the grocery store to get it either. Sorry Whole Foods, you lost a customer.
I can’t stand shopping in WF. The shoppers are so clueless and have no concept of grocery store etiquette. How is it that this store attracts those people in droves?
WF is, indeed, an asshaberdashery and the sine qua non of urban belly-lint-sniffing self-righteousness.
For me there are a couple essentials to a successful WF experience. First, limit exposure – know what you need and where it’s located and for God’s sake don’t go for more than one thing. A Piece of Fish. A Sack of Tomatoes. A Decent Six-Pack.
Second, walk if you can. WF’s contribution to reducing carbon emissions is to make their parking lots so unnavigable as to make you curse internal combustion.
Finally, Be Rude. Those asshats don’t know whether they’re coming or going and you’ll go gray waiting for them to shuffle their hemp-muled feet to the other side of the aisle, so butt in front of people, push carts out of your way, and in general be a bully. Remember, they’re lovechildren – they have to forgive you.
I like the food there (mostly. sometimes), but good lord the aimless wandering of fellow shoppers drives me BONKERS.
We have not a WF in the hinterlands of Iowa, although I have heard many times of their praises, so to speak. However, we do have a fair whack of co-ops in the tri-state area and I can vouch for the various cretins wandering the aisles, acting as though this is their personal mecca and it’s not so much a matter of shopping as it is an act of worship.
A trip to one of these stores is very much like a stop at a touristy trinket shop. Everything in it is unique and fun to look at, but very little has practical value.
“Well, I’ve never actually *seen* a recipe that takes dried horse ears, but if I should ever happen upon one, I guess I know where to get them…”
Funny, I was just shopping at Trader Joes this weekend and observed the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR!!!! And I thought, WTF, what is it about affluent grocery stores that allows all to abandon common decency and respect?
I couldn’t have said it better!
Thank you.
this makes me appreciate publix all the more.
But tell me how you really feel!
:)
Turn On,
Tune In,
Drop Out,
Give Up,
With Me. : )
My almost 2 year old will only eat cereal these days. Breakfast, lunch and dinner and all snacks in between. All Cereal. All The Time.
I’ve tried all the WF choices, hoping to feel like a better mom for nourishing my kid so well. And though that “Im such a good mother for spending $10 on a box of shredded wheat feeling” was very nice, it was fleeting and they all ended up stale and in the garbage. WF doesn’t sell Fruit Loops, Cookie Crisp or Coco Pebbles, and that’s what does the trick. If sugar isn’t one of the first 2 ingredients, it probably won’t work around here. Hey, I grew up on the stuff and turned out OK, right? Plus, they have TOYS inside. Those marketing people know what they’re doing, and they do it well.
And I take issue with any place that doesn’t sell Splenda. How else am I to have multiple cups of sugared coffee each day and not gain 20 pounds? Splenda.
And P.S., asshaberdashery might be my new favorite word.
Aythefuckmen. I just shove the offending abandoned cart in a random direction. That usually gets the attention of the Prius driving, Croc sporting, fuckwit staring, mouth agape, at the vast selection of organic, wheat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, low cholesterol (insert foul tasting “food” item here).
By the way, I refer to their bread as Birdseed Bread. Looks like someone broke up one of those birdseed bell thingies into some batter and – voila! – healthy bread! If I can squish a slice into the size of a quarter, it isn’t bread.
I know people who will drive mile and miles past a dozen normal grocery stores in order to go to Whole Foods. In their SUVs. Wasting gas and polluting. But I’m sure their granola is better than my granola.
LMFAO- i hate whole foods because it’s totally filled with snobs who act like spending their entire paycheck there makes them SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU.
You are he-larry us!!!
“Buddha-given right” HA HA HA.
I love you.
I am within walking distance of whole foods. I drive 3 miles to Safeway.
HATE HATE HATE whole foods. I’m with Jennster too.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that asshats who shop at WF with bad cart-etiquette also have bad car-etiquette, and actually believe carob tastes like chocolate.
Just saying.
one more reason to hate:
http://tinyurl.com/oofmpf
a quote from the CEO: “While all of us empathize with those who are sick, how can we say that all people have more of an intrinsic right to health care than they have to food or shelter?”
I worked for Whole Foods in Dallas for 3 years…you think you hate them! Try working with all those left over hippies and “happy people” all day. It’s enough to make you quit. So I did!
dude, this post set me free! i thought i was the only individual mourning the loss of variety in grocery stores. there’s a greater food variety in drug stores.
nothing is worse than trader joe’s, though. not even wf. they sell like 5 items.
And, also…awww elle PUBLIX!!! YAY PUBLIX!
The ass-Whole Foods thing is best in extreme moderation — like when you’re trying to find some chocolate to shave over that raspberry cabernet sorbet for that special dinner guest…
Four years into my San Francisco life, WF actually seems pretty “normal” to me. Like, HEY! I can get fruit AND meat AND toilet paper in one store! GENIUS!
Granted, I’m also living among the most smug population in all the world, so I might just be immune to all of the assholery!
having just stopped at WF on my way home tonight to buy dinner, i have obviously been seduced by their siren song… but jesus h, this was awesome.
I buy produce there because Giant sucks and also almonds and cheese. Those are my Whole Foods things. The meat section also makes me feel better about killing things but I don’t buy anything there so much.
But the Rockville store – nay, the people within – make me want to shoot it up. Silver Spring = marginally better, and i always find myself wondering why why why when I go in.
This? Died. “Buddy, there’s a reason the hole in that bubble isn’t big enough to fit your entire head. For shame, affluent Arlington asshats. For shame.” And the pebble bread. Oh LORD I’m psyched to drink beer with you.
I’m so happy that you wrote this because I thought I would be cast off if I declared my hatred for WF amongst my peers. Now I know there are others who feel the same way I do. I go there for lunch because they have these cool kiosks with different foods. Now, I might have to 2nd guess that because the food server was busy staring off into space (or high?) and couldn’t be bothered to give me my food once it was ordered. The freaking CHEF had to come and give it to me.
At the risk of getting stoned by fellow readers, Whole Foods is the closest I can get to farmers market-like food here in the desert. The people that work at our local stores are kind and helpful. But, I’ve noticed that the clientele is totally different during the day (better) than that in the evenings (annoying,) so I try to shop during the day whenever possible. That said, I was recently shopping at WF in Venice Beach last month and wanted to shoot myself in the face while there. The shoppers were annoying, the parking lot ridiculously full, the people that worked there didn’t give a shit. Blah Blah Blah.
{Don’t hate me!} :)
I heart you. A to the Men. I thought I was the only one with Whole Foods hate and usually end up wishing I could be more zen about the whole shopping experience, but now…now I feel vindicated. Luckily I have moved somewhat away from the Whole Foods I used to visit. i thought I had found salvation in Harris Teeter, but that can have some of the same Whole Foods tendencies…thankfully not to the degree of WF. I too prefer the unsafe-safeway (as we call it in our household) or the ghetto giant or GG. Thanks for giving WF haters a voice.