Oldest Story in the World

I’m going to start talking about weight a lot, so you’ll have to bear with me. I find it a good exercise to discuss it in these here pages, mostly because putting it out there makes me accountable (particularly if you know me in real life and have witnessed me grocery shop at 7-11), but also because I’m always amazed at how grueling the process is and how you just want to vent about it after eating an entire family sized bag of Baked Lays. Weight loss sucks at your very soul. If you’re a newbie to losing weight, I’ll allow you some skepticism. I remember my first Weight Watchers meeting, making faces of disgust as some 30-something told a tale of spraying bleach on her food so she could just stop eating it already. I’m pretty sure I let people clap for her before I regaled the room with my loss of six pounds in my first week. What a bitch.

I’m no longer that girl. I’ve lost and gained at least 30 pounds twice over the past 10 years, and now it’s back again. We’ve reached DEFCON 5, people. On Sunday, I ran errands in a pair of old J. Crew shorts cut in the largest size I have in my closet. If they didn’t give me a hysterectomy, they did injure parts I don’t talk about at parties. Most parties. Suffice it to say that if said parts had been living and breathing, they would have choked on their own tongues and we’d have to bury them in the flower boxes in front of my apartment building. With a lovely service and some accompaniment by Heart, methinks.

Stay tuned.

26 Comments

  1. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Good luck, sweetie. I’ll send skinny Karma your way.

  2. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Right there with ya.

    My closet’s largest size is being challenged, so I’m getting this in check, once and for all.

  3. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    there’s is a lovely woman at work who has the most fantastic british accent who joined weight watchers this year and likes to tell us stories. recently, she told us about how she used to enjoy sitting around eating “vats and vats of chocolate, followed by another vat.”
    good luck. i hope you find your way to comfort in your skin.

  4. mysterygirl!
    Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    In your defense, what you bought at 7-11 was awesome.

  5. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Dude. I know the feeling. I’ve been working on it for I think, five months now? It blows. But it feels good at the end, so I’ll be here for you.

  6. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Speaking of weight loss and the British, have you seen the BBC series “You Are What You Eat?” If you have a penchant for foods that guarantee clogged arteries and heart attacks, I would recommend one or two screenings of this show for sheer shock value if nothing else. It makes you think about what you’re eating for sure.

  7. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Yeah, since I tweaked my knee it’s been hard to get back in shape. Unless you consider a pear a shape.

  8. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    I want to feel really badly for you (because weight loss does suck monkey dick), but you made me laugh too hard.

  9. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Totally feel your pain on this one — I’ve let my crappy food habits, coupled with the excuse of work stress and hassles, to allow me to plow down sugared donuts like they were going out of fashion.

    Time to get this tubby ass untubified. Ugh, how I dread the struggle, but…

  10. KB
    Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Yeah. I am a big fat fatty too. And it stinks. :( And yes, weight loss does suck out your soul.

  11. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Dude. I just started WW myself. Please talk about it all you want…the venting definitely helps, as does reading about it. So thanks.

  12. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    I’m right there with ya sister! When I was packing for BlogHer and nothing fit, I knew it was time to do something. Something besides eating a whole pizza and drinking a bottle of wine.

  13. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Like others, you know I feel your pain. On the bright side, those 35 bonus points a week are nearly a dozen glasses of wine.

    Another helpful WW tip for me is that an hour of moderate exercise is almost equal to the points in a shot of vodka. This, my friend, is why god created the recumbent stationary bike. (And liver transplants.)

    (Cue boombox playing “Candle in the Wind” and leaving of pink carnations at the roadside shrine for said parts.)

  14. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    I hear ya sister! If we could only lose it as quickly as we gain it.

  15. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Right there with you, sister.

  16. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    Good luck! I’ve been running several times a week this summer and it has helped me a lot.

  17. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    The shorts/personal bits issue is part of the reason I almost always wear skirts. That and because I’m a lady.

  18. Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    I’m right there with you. I’ve reached a sort either give in and get really fat or do something about it damnit fork in the road.

    Le sigh.

  19. KB
    Posted 07.30.09 | Permalink

    I am so right there with you. Also, apparently what I did several years ago to lose weight no longer works. I work out like a demon, but apparently eat like a pig because despite my non-trivial efforts at the gym, I am getting bigger and bigger. Giving up wine just seems like such a quality-of-life alterer. Good luck — and hopefully I can use some of your willpower vicariously.

  20. Posted 07.31.09 | Permalink

    Write about WW EVERY DAY. I was on for over a year, lost tons and tons (79lbs!), and then gained 30lbs back. Still better than where I started, but my GOD. I was super smoking hot last year and this summer? eh. I want to wear my skinny jeans again!

  21. Posted 07.31.09 | Permalink

    Welcome to the party, my friend.

    Bring back rad !!

  22. Posted 08.04.09 | Permalink

    Welcome to Operation Lose the Lard-Ass. I invented it myself. Yesterday. But I should have done it 30 lbs ago. So I’ll be sweating it out with you!

    My first step was to enter every “free Wii Fit” contest I could find.

  23. lisalisa
    Posted 08.07.09 | Permalink

    If your photo in your about me section is accurate, why are you worried about your weight?

  24. Posted 08.13.09 | Permalink

    I just joined weightwatchers, after 7 months of gymming 4-5 times a week, and losing no weight. (I also gave up smoking 7 months ago). I’m on day 3. Far too optomistic right now I think :)

  25. Posted 08.16.09 | Permalink

    I know this feeling too well. Granted, I am not in bad, bad shape, but I long wistfully for my college football playing, marathon running, gym rat body of too many years ago.

    I wish you the best of luck in your efforts.

  26. Posted 08.17.09 | Permalink

    Oh I will never forget a WW meeting where this woman said her weakness was Swedish Fish, she just couldn’t stop eating them out of the bowl she kept NEXT TO HER BED. It was my last meeting.

    The best diet for me is spending time in LA. All those superficially pretty people make me suddenly lose my appetite.

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