I’m incredibly adept at avoiding doing the exact thing that tops my to do list. I have become an expert as of late, the Princess of Procrastination. Or so my CZ tiara reads. I have become so good that at times in the throes of avoidance I cannot remember what it was that I was supposed to be doing at that moment. Showering? Looking for a job so that I don’t end up LIVING IN THE DRESSING ROOM AT ROSS? In no particular order, here are the things I have done this weekend to avoid doing exactly what it is that I should be doing. You know, those activities that are required to sustain life and all.
– Watched two episodes of the Real World Cancun, because there clearly isn’t enough bitch in my everyday. I may or may not have already seen the first episode I watched.
– Ordered all available episodes of A&E’s Obsessed, convincing myself that On Demanding shows about OCD while in my underwear was really some form of clinical continuing education.
– Tested Scrubbing Bubbles on the shower door to see if they’d really clean without the use of a sponge. Watched bubbles slide down glass to their death. The door stayed dirty. I went back to the couch.
– Straightened a shirt using my flat iron, because I was too lazy to get out the proper iron. The plugging in of small electronics is so very taxing, after all.
– Organized my trial size toiletries by brand.
– Sharpened all makeup pencils, intentionally breaking ends off, prompting immediate resharpening.
– Washed all bed linens currently not in use or season, just in case a hobo should need a down comforter in late July.
– Shopped online for planners, clearly to avoid current acts of actual planning.
– Inspected every available inch of shaveable skin to smoke stray hairs from their holes. Positioned self in front of sunny window while doing so. May or may not have made neighbor child cry.
– Reminded self to toss out leftover crab legs brought home on July 4th. Promptly forgot. Still in fridge.
– Treated myself to a review of Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. I read only the posts with images, because I’m amazed at the props men will use to illustrate the size of their penises (e.g., propping their manhoods against computer keyboards, beer cans, Windex bottles).
I trust your weekend was equally productive.
15 Comments
That was me weeping from the street. And honking.
Also, I’m delighted that your reference to genital scale measures is positioned immediately opposite the bottle of Pepto in your ad column. Unintentional, perhaps, but fitting.
(Hiding the 22oz bottle of Diet Coke.)
Casual Encounter:
You: Propped in a sunny window in a position taken straight from the last 1/4 of the Kama Sutra, intensely concentrating on nether regions, armed with a tweezer.
Me: Neighborhood kid who reads blogs and subscribes to Girls Gone Wild Premium Edition.
Let me know if you want to come by and “play doctor” sometime, if you get my drift.
You had a much better weekend than I did. I think it was sorting the toiletries that pushed you over the top.
Wow, Nathan– I’m sure Kris appreciated the “if you get my drift,” just in case the wildly creepy level of detail of the rest of your comment didn’t get your point across.
Scrubbing Bubbles are vastly over-hyped. They never sing and go happily down the drain as advertised. Also, no faces on them. And I was really looking.
1) I love this season of The Real World. I don’t know why. Because really, one should stop watching once you are too old to actually be on the show.
2) I spent the weekend wishing you were in Chicago at BlogHer with me. So we could have red wine-stained teeth together.
I’m sorry….wait…give me a minute.
My lungs hurt from laughing. Also, I wanted to meet you so badly, I hallucinated you at BlogHer. That, or you have a twin.
that reminds me. i need to shave. or something.
left over crab legs? That should be considered a sin *grin*
mia
I love watching “Obsessed.” It’s like a way to test my own personal issues. The day I watch the show and think that these people are pretty normal, then I know it’s time to seek treatment.
Hey, thanks for the tip on the flat-iron. Excellent idea. So handy.
They prop their dicks against something to show it’s length or girth?! I guess I have blocked that from my memory. Not that I used to look at those ads or anything. . . um, anyhow.
I missed being your roomie this weekend. Someday we shall shack up!
You are hysterical.
(from an occaisional stalker and big fan)
I had a similar Saturday. The only time I left the apartment was to buy a sandwich.
My weekend was spent in a suprisingly similar way.
-Watching Obsessed and trying to draw the logo used in the begining of the show. Found out it’s harder than previously thought.
-Read all my favorite blogs, then read them all again. Just in case I missed something funny.
-Ate a Betty Crocker microwave mini cake. Felt proud that it was a mini cake and almost half the calories of a regular sized cake. Then ate another one. Realized that if I just ate a regular one I would have had 25 fewer calories, then realized I didn’t much care about 25 calories.
-Thought about starting my own blog. It could chronicle my everyday injuries. Then I got bitten in the ear by my cat, and realized I didn’t want anyone to know about my everyday injuries.
Glad someone else is avoiding real life issues too!