I’ve been making some different choices lately. Some would say these choices are questionable, and that in fact there is no question. They’d say there’s a good and there’s a bad, like night and day and Riesling and Syrah, but it turns out life presents itself in shades of grey more than I thought a few years ago. I used to detest the fact that many lived in the blur, in what I considered the void between yes and no. There was a right way to do things. There was really no choice at the fork in the road, you see, no reason to consult the British voice on your GPS, no matter the comforting timbre. You knew the path, the one your gut told you to follow. Instinct dictated and you followed.
Turns out your gut can lead you many places. Turns out there are degrees of this grey, and some are not at all what I’d thought they’d be. They’re not unpleasant, not worthy of immediate disregard. They’re not the usual, not where I thought I’d be, not what I’d planned in one of seven spreadsheets on my desktop. But they’re lovely and satisfying and rewarding just as they are, in their inherent ability to bring satisfaction and sometimes joy, in their surprising fulfillment.
It’s out of the norm and out of every established comfort zone. I’m a linear woman, you see, and equations should produce their desired outcome. Would someone remind me what that is again? Because I saw it the day before yesterday, as clearly as I see love and hate, and I’m not completely convinced I know where that went.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be relaxed in the grey, capable of turning on and off whatever it is that’s sustaining me there. But I’m here, and it’s more than nice; it’s delightful. And for the first time in a long time, I’m not questioning every motivation and move. Even if I probably should.
9 Comments
Good for you. Whatever it is, it is hard to do things differently.
Enjoy the ride.
I love you, but omg could you be any more vague? I’m trying to stalk you– hello I need details!
new love interest????
Huh? Details! Details! Come to Colorado for a visit. There’s things I want to tell you.
Peace
We were just having the Linear Woman discussion at the casa.
Of couse I don’t remember how it came up or what the resolution was. Because there were sports on tv of course.
Hope that helps.
I caught up on a few of your posts just now…happy 4-year blogging anniversary! I agree with what you said about how weird it would seem to be in a relationship for that period of time. I can’t imagine having been in the same romantic relationship for the past 6+ years that I’ve been blogging, because I’ve done so much STUFF in that time. I know people adapt depending on their situation, but still…
Glad to hear that you’re introducing some changes. Those are always a good thing. I need some more myself!
I love this. And not in a “THIS IS A GREAT POST!!!!!!11!!” kind of way, but in a good way. I’m happy when you’re happy.
As a DECIDELY non-smug married, my eyebrows are raised. Pray tell the non-linear route, the road less traveled…basically, you’re totally intriguing us: what’s up?
As a writer and former marketing chick, I’ve got to tell you – these cliff-hanger introspectives? interspectives? (stop red-underlining me damnit!) are bloody brilliant.
I hope the sex is good and that your steps are springy.