Leaving the apartment this morning I noticed a flyer posted by my neighbor. Someone stole three of his paintings from the stairwell last weekend. That and a vacuum cleaner. He warned all tenants to stay alert and not leave any of our prized possessions in hallways or the stairwell, which made me smile, because I don’t know anyone who makes a habit of leaving anything they don’t want stolen in the common areas of a building in DC. I also didn’t think I knew anyone who would do such a thing, but then of course my thoughts turned to my dear drunken friend, who crashed said neighbor’s party that weekend wearing her pajamas. I convinced myself that she could not have been the perp, however, because a) she couldn’t have hidden said paintings in her pink Victoria’s Secret sweatpants, and 2) she only steals really important things, like mac and cheese from people’s refrigerators.
While driving, I realized quickly that I was out of wiper fluid, and searched the car for something to clean off the thin film of grit that had accumulated on my windshield overnight. I’m a resourceful woman, and also somewhat messy, so it took me only a second to locate a half-full bottle of Deer Park rolling around the floor. I’m a genius, I thought, something I tell myself often, when I’m fixing my brows in the McDonald’s drive thru line, only to realize later that the left one now extends down to my ear. I poured the water on the driver’s side windshield and admired my skill at distributing the fluid evenly. And then I turned on the wipers, and marveled at the windshield being wiped clean, and at the dirty bird water flying through the open window to land all over my dress.
Almost to work, I passed a gaggle of geese looking criminal next to my exit ramp, and had to take a few seconds to assure myself that no, they would not fly into the engines of my Chrysler and cause me to spiral off the GW Parkway in flames.
You really don’t want to be inside my head.
In other news, I’m doing my damndest to go to happy hour tonight. It’s a book exchange event, the idea being that you bring some of the volumes that runneth over your shelves, the books you’ve read and reread and are now willing to divorce. It’s known that I don’t have many, and that the new ones I have sit protected in a humidor along with my Cubans. I managed to scrape up a few classic paperbacks that I can replace next time I’m drunk at the airport. For anyone attending, I apologize in advance for the copy of Catherine Crier’s award-winning tome on Scott Peterson. And Dr. Phil’s Guide to Weight Loss, too.
34 Comments
Thanks for the laugh. Great way to start this day here in paradise. And, yes, I love being inside your head. :)
Peace
It’s actually quite cozy here in your head. Plus, it makes me feel normal.
love it!
on the bright side- at least it was warm and you weren’t scraping ice off of your windshield with an old CD & no gloves, wearing clogs & standing ankle deep in snow. i LOVE winter!
First thought I had: why did he leave stuff in hall…? But it was nice of him to try to help others avoid his fate.
Dibs on Dr. Phil!
Randomness is okay! I like random.
Speaking of which, I thought I saw that you were invited to the Boca thing tomorrow night…are you going?
You know, I was reading through and when you said the bit about the birds, I was like, “It would be perfect if she made an airplane quip here…” and guess what! You did. And made my morning, which has been the suckiest suck that ever sucked. So thanks.
Sure, make fun of Scott Peterson. He’s already engaged again. That man should definitely be in sales.
Now where did all the silver go that I left on the front lawn?
I totally didn’t picture you driving a Chrysler. I don’t know what I DID picture. Now I have to think about what kind of car you’d drive. I am THAT productive today.
If I left something in a common area of an apartment and it wasn’t gone in the morning I’d be pissed. I once moved out of an apartment in Baltimore by throwing every piece of furniture in the place into the back alley. By dawn: Clean as a glutton’s plate (my first draft was “Clean as Scott Peterson’s dance card, but I see THAT’S out the window…).
Your style here is a little different than usual. Something is changing – I’m exicted! :)
Well thank God I’m not the ONLY woman with her own humidor stocked with Cubans!
I’m embarrassed to tell you how many times I’ve been hit by the “windshield wiper with an open window” trick.
Suffice it to say – I get it.
My brain totally thinks like that.
Loved hanging out with you on your morning wanderings.
You know, your neighbor has moxie. I like that in a neighbor. ;-) My neighbors would probably have to hold a referendum before they allowed anyone to even think about posting such a warning. (And god bless them all; my neighbors are all lovely people).
You’re a goddess. Dr. Phil’s an idiot.
You know, if I’d seen that Dr. Phil book in your apartment, I surely would have stolen it. The art in the hall, however, didn’t interest me. It added a nice touch but not the kind of touch this girl wants on a regular basis.
that thing with the wipers?
totally something I’d do.
So…maybe the person who took the stuff thought he was leaving it out b/c he didn’t want it?
Ahem, you forgot a couple of fliers you found in a book.
How sad is it that I read your entire post and became increasingly worried about the water in your windshield wiper reservoire freezing. How the hell did I become such a gear head?
The book exchange sounds like a good idea, except that I am hard-pressed to get rid of books. I. Just. Can’t. Do. It.
I’ve been invited to a happy hour for tonight too! With a bunch of book people, no less. It’s good to get out of the house and away from the cats once in a while. Isn’t it?
A book exchange is a great idea!
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/02/five-star-friday-edition-41.html
Hey, I have Howard Stern’s “Private Parts” still, for God’s sake. I feel kitkat’s pain. I’m happy to ship this shining ode to mediocrity to you, Kris, for your next exchange should you so desire.
Why do I not know what the Boca thing is? Or where a book-exchange happy hour is?
I so fail at social networking, and living here.
(PS I hacked the ice off my windshield with a wine stopper with a pointy edge that I randomly had in my purse (!!!!!) and am now driving around with totally distracting scratches in my windshield that I’m now constantly on an orange-level terror alert will shatter at will. You don’t want to be in MY head. ;))
Loved your insight!!! I can\’t believe no one has made that point yet, major Kudos!!! I am going to link to your site.
If he wanted to keep the vacuum cleaner, all he had to do was leave a note on it that said FREE not working! and it never would have moved!
AHH, the Guilty look of the criminal birds- how well I know it!
I have a few volumes to get rid of too. Must organize event to dispose of them. and I agree with one of your any commenters: Scott Peterson really Knows how to sell it!
I like your randomness as I also wonder if the geese will fly into my car engine. And I read the About You section… I think I like you.
Trapped wonders why he clicks on Kris’ link on his blog so many times a day looking for new posts when it is obviously turning into a lesson in futility. Just sayin’
Peace
So you keep tweezers in your car? How very resourceful of you.
Trapped has a point. C’mon, girlfriend, give up the good stuff.
You know, I have a LOT of thoughts about birds when I’m driving and they’re flying around. I’m always amused/concerned about the birds that *run* to get out of the way of a car. Like, “Um, dude? You can FLY and I CAN’T. Advantage: YOU.”
But I don’t blog about those in-my-head conversations. I totally should, huh? :)
I have five or six books, all recommended by others, that I hate. I have thought of saving them for book exchanges, but I am just too kind.