Neil’s latest post is about men and women and the sex, and may not include something about mine being his favorite blog in the entire universe despite all the cash and chocolate babies I regularly send him. Neil writes, “I also find it hard connecting with a woman without thinking of her naked at least once during the conversation.”
At first, I thought, WHO DOESN’T? I’m constantly thinking about all the women I know naked. The cashier at Target, the woman in front of me at the corner store, your grandmother. But mostly I’m thinking about how great her figure probably looks in a bathing suit, or if an A-line skirt like hers would flatter my hips, or if we arm wrestled over beers just who would win. I’m guessing that’s not the same as what Neil is talking about.
Second, I thought, I too think about members of the opposite sex without their clothes on. Are there women who don’t? If a man has particularly broad shoulders, I’ll picture him washing our car, shirtless, in a driveway I don’t have, then coming to hug me, chest and teeth glistening, chest muscles definitely not moving in the funky way men are able to make them move sometimes. If I happen to touch the small of his back through his shirt, I think about whether it’s the kind of back that looks like Wonder Bread when it’s being baked, sliced down the middle and rising, made golden by more than just a few pats of butter, or more of a celery stalk, spindly with a deep, deep ridge, or maybe more like an apple, lovely of course but with little definition. And the calves. Did he play soccer? Will I see them flex when he reaches for something from a top cabinet in the morning? Perhaps when he’s making breakfast and feeding the cats because he knows how I like to sleep past 5 am on a Saturday? God love men.
Of course there are the times when you picture them naked, and your mind gets even further away from you, and you think that if things were to develop between the two of you, you hope that he’ll keep his own apartment, or at least shower at his place, because you’re not entirely sure your drain and lint filter can handle that much hair.
19 Comments
I love men.
That’s all.
Holy crap… the whole bread thing just got me a little more worked up than I should be at work…
Something makes me think that you know far hotter people than I do, because all I’m coming up with as far as thinking about all those dads picking up their kids at preschool is a little bit of vom in the back of my throat.
I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to take my clothes off with the lights on in front of my Wife again.
Especially if we’ve been eating sammiches.
I have to admit, the other day when I was in my building’s cafeteria, I took a long, lusty look at the girl working cash. I thought to myself, “I wonder what she’d look like wearing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing… except for an Iron Man costume! That would be AWESOME!”
Labels: Stuff that’s wrong with me
I am beginning to think I am in the minority: I don’t think about men or women naked. I do sometimes wonder, however how some people look you know, when they are you know- doing it. Unfortunately.
I don’t do this. Is there something wrong with me?
1. Must remember to wash the car where no one is watching on pain of getting treated like meat :}
2. Yeah. I totally picture women naked. Washing my car.
Great news! With the economy spiraling downward, pretty soon none of us will be able to afford clothes!
Glass half full!
Are you sure you really want the guy hugging you after he washes the car? He’s gonna get dirt all over your new outfit?
Oddly enough, I don’t picture people naked too often. Invasion of privacy maybe? I will, however, fully admit that I check out women way more than I check out men. I look at butts, breasts, the works. I just don’t want to see them naked.
Forearms do it for me.
Thanks for bringing LITERAL laughter to me while reading this post! My husband now thinks I’m insane(r). (Is that even a WORD?)
I completely BONDED with the words you wrote. There’s just something about a hint of some ripply muscle underneath a tighter-than-a-tee type shirt that sends things into overload. Heh.
And yes, I am TOTALLY guilty of checking out other chicks, too… but not in a sexual way. Not really a COMPARISON, but maybe more of an appreciation?
Now I think *I* think I’m “insaner.”
I am definitely guilty of doing the same.
I think I actually think of women naked more than I do men. Hmmm, maybe I should have traveled down that bisexual/lesbian road back in college?
I’m w/MG. I love men!! And this post.
That is hilarious. The reality of the hair just kind of ruins it, huh?
I always wonder what kind of package a guy is carrying.
At my company we have an intraoffice Facebook-style doowickey, which is really unhelpful when there are nice-looking coworkers.
It’s important, when picturing others naked, not to imagine them opening pickle jars a la Seinfeld. Unless that’s, you know, your thing. I don’t judge.