I once knew a woman who zipped through labor with her second child. Out of nowhere, the pain was immense. “Bring me drugs,” she begged her husband. He shook his head no. She punched him in the face. “Bring me drugs!” she demanded. The nurse shook her head no. My friend had missed the window for the epidural, and she was going to have to deliver the 9-lb. baby without even a Tylenol. She didn’t have a choice. She grunted, and she pushed, and the baby made her way into the world successfully, but not without first breaking her mother’s pelvis. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
It’s kind of like this with dating. Not the messy parts about getting knocked up and breaking bones bringing spawn into the world, but the part about missing the window. Missing the bliss, missing the good stuff, missing the fix. There’s a point in life at which a woman realizes that she’s surrounded by novices who think they’ve got some kind of experience tucked into their Underroos. See, she’s missed that window on dating men; they’re taken and are being forced to mow lawns all across this fine land. Now all that’s left in the pool are boys, and despite their somewhat worn faces and crow’s feet, which they have and we never talk about, they’re still of a mental age of 15.
The difference between men and boys? I think of Paul Newman as a man. I didn’t know him, obviously, but he seemed to have had passions in his life. He likely called Joanne Woodward back after their first date and even during the tough times didn’t break up with her over email. Men remember conversations; they make a beeline for their chosen ones when in a room. They treat others with respect and apologize if for some reason they’ve neglected to. They can be incredibly idiotic, but they are worthy of love and respect and our time and attention. Boys can be in 35-year-old bodies, but they still subscribe to the 9th-grade version of dating, which as I recall involved something akin to making out after school and then pretending you didn’t exist when his friends were around. The 40-year-old boys don’t text or call dates back. They act as if the woman is certifiable when she calls them out on a broken date or an insulting text message or - gulp - a booty call. Boys don’t know the power of dancing to jazz just because she likes to or stopping to bring home her favorite bottle of wine. Women don’t want to be with boys.
Where are the men you don’t need an epidural to date?
52 Comments
Conversely, I believe epidurals aren’t all that bad and highly recommended when approaching life. I somehow have a problem dealing full on without anesthesia.
I hear ya sister, as a 36 y.o. divorced single lady, I can tell you there are NO good men out there. Your post is spot on, and, well to me at least, a sad reality that we live with…
Good luck!
Love the blog BTW.
I wonder the same thing!
Aaaaamen. That’s exactly how myself and other 30-something single friends feel about the dating pool.
That line:
Where are the men you don’t need an epidural to date?
IS AWESOME.
Amen sister.
Although I’m not a woman, and certainly not in the dating scene anymore, I feel for you. The grain is hard to find in the chaff to start with and, by the time you reach mid-20s and lower-30s, it’s gone to a rare experience, indeed. I don’t envy your hassles and frustrations.
I have no doubt the same situation happens in reverse, for single men looking for women, but I don’t know…I don’t think it’s a matter of the women being immature so much as you find them to be more desperate, or mentally fucked up, or something like that.
Myself, I sometimes miss the dating game. I miss the thrill when you catch that person’s eye and interest, when you start clicking and the sparks are jumping, the anticipation and fulfillment of that first kiss, then when she’s playing coy and hard to get, and finally that defining moment when you reach for her bra hooks and she doesn’t bat your hand away.
There are definite benefits to marriage, but sometimes…well, it’d be fun to be that uncertain again, too.
well said!
Trying hanging out at a law school. Myself, and many others, are married to law school classmates. Get ‘em before they get money and attitude problems after they pass the bar.
Don’t despair dear. *Men* still exist. Ones that would rather play with you than wail on Guitar Hero. And they’re looking for you just as hard. : )
My husband just graduated from law school, beware, it sounds prestigious but there are a surprising amount of immature morons there too. (him excluded!)
Anyway I wanted to argue that there are still good “older” men out there. Mine was 33 when I met him, and divorced twice already. I almost ran, literally. But he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, just happened to get suckered in by nasty women (twice).
Oh, I know an excellent 31 yr. old bachelor in the Minneapolis area if anyone’s interested!
Men often underestimate the size of their ego and overestminate the size of their penis.
Don’t panic. The man that wants to drive you crazy for the rest of his life is out there somewhere.
I think John is probably right.
Yes, SERIOUSLY. Where are they??? Is there even one single man left in NOVA?? And if so, can he please be attractive?
Well, if it’s any consolation I am doing my part by taking one of those boys out of the dating pool and forcing him to mow my lawn.
Except he doesn’t.
Because, well, the boy thing.
Well, when you find them, can you point me in their direction? Because I’m looking for them too. Maybe we if we team up, we’ll find them sooner. Like they are hiding behind a bush in the Amazon or something.
They have to be out there, right?
It’s all complicated. Humans have a tendency to be petulant children to the ones they care about. I’m not sure what it says about the species. That email breakup thing does suck, though.
Some men price themselves out of the lawnboy market early. Some men decide to never own a lawn.
They sure as hell aren’t in Maryland. I’ve been through some dates this year that have been unbelievable. And not in a good way. If only there was mandatory Man Therapy they ALL had to attend prior to going on a date.
oh my god, I could NOT agree more. Literally, could NOT!!!!
Men are like parking spaces — all the good ones are taken and the ones left over are handicapped.
…. maybe epidurals are overrated?
(owowowowowowow)
I’m so sorry. I honestly think that DC is particularly bad too. Not sure why - but so many single men in this area really do think they are a hot commodity. I’m passing this on to some single friends that would appreciate both the exasperation and the humor.
Love your blog, and this post totally hits home. I’m currently dating a guy who freaked out because I said I liked him… we had a four-day break when he was feeling confused. It doesn’t seem worth the trouble, but I hate the idea of getting back out there again!
Amen, sista! So frustrating. I sort of want to send this to my XBF. I won’t, but I want to. He’s too clueless to recognize himself though and I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I am thinking of him. Lord, I hope I get a MAN next time around.
I don’t know. I have no idea.
It’s so depressing that I try not to think about it, but then again that’s not terribly productive now, is it?
I don’t know. I’ve got my man and I have no intention of letting him go. a) I love him and he is a real man, not a boy. b) The very idea of weeding through all the boys again scares me to death.
Good luck my dear. They are still out there but they get harder to find, it seems.
I’m here! In Denver! :) When was the last time you went out with a true gentleman? Treated as a lady. Respected. Listened to. Was attended to? Sorry about your dating whoas. You certainly deserve better.
i think that if you found someone like that you wouldn’t let him go/it would work out in some way.. and he would be “the one.” each of us only has one (two at best). you just haven’t found the person for you yet. there is someone out there for everybody- and i think that boys AND girls change in unexpected ways for that person. i have grown up overnight for guys that i have really liked (including those i shouldn’t have) & treated ones that i wasn’t that into like garbage (even though they definitely didn’t deserve it). guys are probably the same way. we all grow up when we meet who we believe is the right person.
wow, i sound super lame. but i think this is true. i really do. have faith!
disclaimer: some grown up boys really are just boys and aren’t worth our time. but the beauty of them as that they’re easily identifiable.
Amen Sister!!!
They ARE out there! I live with one, though I am not sure it goes the other way. He needs an epidural to date ME and I give him a lot of credit for that :)
I’m also going to agree with John. I’ve been dating for a few months now and I am growing just as cynical about finding a mature woman as you are about finding a mature man.
Fabulous post! . . . but for a fellow singleton like myself, kind of depressing, I’ll admit. Sometimes I think that (with all my friends married and/or engaged)all the good ones are taken. But then I realize that most guys are good guys. They just usually have some horrible flaw like watching the baseball playoffs on the t.v. behind my head instead of talking to me while we’re on the second date. Then I realize that its not that the good ones are taken, its that women like you and I, we have higher standards. And THAT is a good thing. As for myself, I’m seriously looking into being a Cougar in few years and landing myself a 23 y.o. stud. The young ones seem to try harder.
K, I couldn’t agree with you more, and…I still have to believe there are a few windows worth opening yet. And that’s almost the easy part. The hard part is not throwing up our hands in the meantime and just being done with the whole business b/c the landscape is littered with so many boys parading as men.
I have a great idea! Let’s start our own on-line dating site, and the tag line can be, “No epidureal required”!! =-)
I think we need to wait for the next inevitable rash of divorces to occur before we jump back into the dating pool. In the interim, perhaps we can just let the boys pay for the occasional drink and scratch the occasional itch?
Where, indeed. I once dated a guy (ohmygodsoprettyhewas) that seriously was mentally 4 years old. It lasted less than a month and here we are, years later, it still stings. Why must they behave this way? And is it only about age?
Aw, shit, if I can find a good one at 34, I should think there’s hope for everyone. He might play games like a boy, but he has the considerate, attentive thing down.
I think the lesson here is ALWAYS take the good drugs.
amen, sister! i ended things with a grown “boy” just a few days ago and as painful as it was/ is, i know it was the right thing to do.
what i dont know, is why successful, beautiful, witty, intelligent women fall for these bastards??
When I was in my forties and single, all the men were happily married and doing the suburban thing, but I could tell if I bided my time, most of them would be on the market again–I just had to wait for the cycle to run its course. Then, around about the time I turned 52 (and–gulp–found myself STILL single), those men DID come back on the market, but guess what? In every case, they were someone else’s leftovers. Throwbacks. Like fish not good enough for eating, let alone mounting above the mantel (okay, I would never do that). Besides, those men were now only interested in women ten years younger than me. Anyway, at that point, sadly, it came to me that the best men are widows…but then you have that ghost to deal with.
I so agree with you on your definition of a man versus a boy! Right on.
This is a most excellent example of men vs boys. And yes, they can still be boys even though they’re 35 and have crows feet.
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!
(it bears repeating often, and loudly)
AMEN!!!
It’s a lovely post. I just wonder–are there really any men who fit that description? I’m married, and I’m still wondering. Likewise, I’m sure while I think I’m an awesome woman, men are wondering where all the non-nagging, non-PMSing, action-movie-watching women with raging hotness are.
Sorry for the dating woes. I remember them so well. What wound up working for me was to try looking in the other direction, age-wise: I fell for a man in a boy’s body. I was 29 when I started dubiously dating him (he had just turned 20-I dragged my feet for about six months before I said “what the hell” and just went out with him)and here we are 9 years later and still going strong.
The mowing of the lawn and other chores don’t always get done (I really think this is just more of a male thing as opposed to a “boy” or “man” thing as my married friends have the same difficulties getting their husbands to do these same chores) but as for those other qualities - he’s got ‘em and is generous with sharing them.
Guess this is my long-winded way saying “try looking outside of your comfort zone” as you may find that perfect someone just on the other side of that zone, waiting for you.
Good post, full of your usual insight and humor, BUT…
WHOA! Hold on, didn’t you just get back into the dating game? Hasn’t it only been a couple of weeks? I can see that ‘us men’ can be idiots sometime, but we are out here! It sounds like you’ve met a boy or two who do nothing to help the single dating men out there and I agree that email dumping someone is just plain rude, but I feel confident that you will find the right man and when you do you’ll be glad you waited.
“bringing spawn into the world” - Classic!
I say go young. Then you can hope that their boy qualities are just age related, plus you can train them. (That’s kind of sexist, huh?) I agree with John (hope I attributed that right)– there are men out there, and they are looking for you, too. Too bad we can’t schedule a meet-up…
We’re out here, Kris. It’s just that some of us have lost as much hope in finding a worthy woman as you have in finding a worthy man. It’s a sad place to be when fighting cynicism become a full-time job, but hope does still spring eternal; I’m just not a cockeyed optimist anymore and a willingness to date requires so much effort to focus on the good that might come from it rather than past evidence.
Amen, sister. Amen.
One of the best posts I’ve read in a looong time! This epitomizes the reason I’ve pretty much just stopped dating. Not something one can really afford to do at 30.
Ummm, Kelly - where’s this man in Minneapolis?
You’ve been doing some bang up writing lately.
Another problem, as you grow older, just how much more serious heartbreak can be taken when dished out by the boy man? A few of those and “Some day my prince will come” has hit the dirt and you feel like you’re sitting in the center of a volcanic blast covered in cold ashes with charred branches poking out.
Let’s remember. Paul Newman did have a first wife for almost ten years and three kids with her. Did he leave #1 for #2? I’m too tired to Google.
Some other problems with these boy men is that they lead you to believe they want to commit, then don’t, then turn around at say age 43 and marry someone much younger….and who can say….happy ever after? I know one such creature who was in bed with another woman from his past, months after he married. Do you think his blissful bride knows about this? And…oh yes…never told his former he was now married.
As for epiderals. I had to have one for a back injury. Didn’t take. Had surgery. But the epidural? Needle you would use on the average sized rhino and feels like it is the most intense pressure you can imagine, pushing every organ out of the front of your body. For a long time I used it as my “top this” pain standard. Unfortunately I have since had to reset the level.
Sigh. Never mind. I’m writing as a tired woman who had a rough week and obviously your post hit a raw nerve. Reading your commenters it’s obvious many knew exactly what you meant.
I wish I had a good answer for you.
I’ve got nothing.
Did I mention I got a spinal block?
There is a lesson in this: Ask for drugs as soon as possible. This applies in both situations.
I completely agree…but my assumption is that most men were trained in manhood by someone. An x wife, girlfriend, or their mother. It’s just finding one whose untrained behaviors are endearing enough to overlook, so you can train it out of them.
Wait, were you on my last date? It was re-told ad nauseum, in public even, and hasn’t gotten any better in retrospect. In fact, my friends have voted mine the worst date ever. And if you find out where I can pre-order an epidural for my next date, please let me know. It will have to be administered by a professional, because last time I was so disgusted I couldn’t even self-administer alcohol.
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