Although this post is more than a year old, three people have mentioned it to me in the last week (and pointed and laughed while doing so, which I also call Saturday). Those who have been to my place in recent weeks can attest to the fact that things are likely in a similar condition. Less vegetable mutilation, however. Baby steps.
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In scrutinizing the pictures of myself from BlogHer, I wanted to scream at how chunky I looked, how imperfect each and every angle seemed to be. I don’t own Photoshop and given that MS Paint doesn’t have a tool to trim ass (and chin) length, I think I’m going to have to take it upon myself to stop eating fries for breakfast (ok, it only happened once at BlogHer, but it was like NOON, people).
Problem is, I hate to grocery shop. HATE. DETEST. LOOOOATHE. The Safeway is a completely unsafe environment for the Kris, stocked with forty types of vinegar when I’m pretty sure we all know humankind needs only one, not to mention the infants and the toddlers and the teen boys with their hands flailing toward my highlights while mommy’s back is turned. It’s enough to make a woman order in every night. Or just not stock her fridge. Like ever. At all. Like really.
Behold today’s confession, folks: my refrigerator.
Now before you freak out and start calling the ugly people who protect cats from their neglectful, wino owners, let me offer that I was indeed out of town for five whole days last week. I wouldn’t have wanted anything to rot, particularly this:
Yep, see that clear container of soup on the middle shelf? Well, Grissom, that pretty girl used to be a Panera side salad. A co-worker didn’t eat it so I took it home from my company meeting in EARLY JULY. I’m pleased to see that the empty Tupperware to her left decided to keep her company. Wouldn’t want her to get lonely in there. And perhaps be attacked by a fifth of a green pepper. Moving on.
I HAVE A JOB. What in God’s name would make me think that I couldn’t afford to toss the last precious three milliliters of Pinot Grigio from my clearly well-fingerprinted glass? And when did I become an ER doc or mother of triplets or Carrot Top or someone else who might legitimately have a reason to be busy enough to put the IMPALED NIPPLE OF A CUCUMBER in the forefront of the fridge? Um, in such a rush to blog and file down your feet that you didn’t have time to remove the slicing implement, Kris?
And doesn’t it look like it got stabbed in the damn mouth? Like it was sassing the gang of condiments and one of them done gone and shivved him right in the piehole?
Ok. Kids, let’s stop this crazy sexual tension a la Maddie and David. You two have been making blue lips at each other since at least May. Whaddya say you scoot on in closer and get your parfait on? Can’t you hear them now, party people? “Yoplait or mine?”
I’ll be going now.
43 Comments
Notice that I didn’t even reference the cutting board just sitting in the lower left. Because cutting boards belong in the fridge. Without any food near them.
I truly believe that if we lived near each other we’d be very good friends! Laughed out loud again. At work. People popped their heads up like those squirrel heads in that whack the squirrel game and wondered what was going on in my cube.
BTW - Have you ever opened your fridge to find a box of cereal and say to your self “uh oh” as you open the cupboard to find your now spoiled milk? Wait for it. It will happen.
Oh, dear. You slay me. The jammy-finger-smudgy wine glass that MUST be saved is perfection. And damn, did that cuke get GOT.
I’m crying laughing right now. And I thought that that cutting board was a pizza box, mostly because I almost always have a pizza box on the bottom shelf of my fridge.
That’s how my fridge looks. Despite my wedding band I continue to be a single girl stereotype.
I’m wondering how old the bottle of Prego is… Why don’t they make little single serving size containers. Like someone that lives alone is supposed to eat pasta 4 nights in a row. It’s just discrimination against single people.
hysterical! Um, I’m guessing you eat out a lot?
This makes perfect sense! Who wants to do dishes when you can just save it all in the fridge for the next time you need those things? Kinda like propping the crusty towel in the corner of the bathroom. It’s clean right?
You don’t have any food in your food. Just condiments.
And there’s no bacon in there.
I don’t even know who you are anymore.
I just thought you were a genius for chilling your wine glass. And then you ruined the facade for me.
This post also made me laugh like a mental last year. Dude.
I am laughing so hard right now! Um, our fridges look A LOT alike!
It all looks fairly normal to me. Except for maybe that last teeny weeny little sip of wine…you’ve got to be mighty full not to finished that off! ;-)
Just as funny the second time around. God, my husband would almost be happy if our fridge looked like that. Ours is like “Attack of the Suburban Housewife!”
I absolutely love that you kept those last few drops of wine. I mean it. I’m in love with you. For real.
Listen. Fridge’s are supposed to keep food good Forever, Aren’t they? Another like-minded soul with too-many condiments/ sauces and not enough Real food. Would you consider Peapoding? or a Standard Order from the local market delivered once a week?
And just the same as last year, I argue there’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine in the fridge. It’s convenient. I think I’ll go finish mine now.
How can you not like grocery shopping? I <3 grocery shopping. This may be due to way too many years as a student, when the *only* shopping I could do was the grocery kind. I get to spend money? w00t!
Amazing! (I wasn’t around last year so I missed the previous installment.) I’m not the only person in the universe who saves last drops of wine for later (of course only after I consumed, erm, all the previous drops of wine) and discovers that their vegetables have been in the fridge long enough to learn to sing!
hmmm. yep. just peed a little. ;)
LOL. That’s the saddest refrigerator I’ve ever seen. With the funniest narrative. : )
Fucking hilarious!!!
And I love the sip of wine in the fridge. Why didn’t you just drink it down?! :)
bwahahahahaha omg… i am laughing SO HARD. heh. i love the ‘condiments shivved the cuc’ in his piehole’ heh. hehehehe.
oh man. and i am SO GUILTY of the half-glass of wine in the fridge. where i was a whee bit tipsy and was like OH MAH GAWD cannot WILL NOT waste wine. (and it was probably a 5 buck bottle, too. o well.)
And one year later….still just as hilarious!
C’mon, Kris, you can do better than that lame bland French’s mustard. Don’t you know, French’s is not really… French.
My fridge and freezer are overflowing to the point that I can’t go shopping for some time. I could send you some stuff.
oh my god, this post made me LOL so freaking hard at my desk. and the yoplait pun? you are WRONG for making it, but hell if i won’t repeat it to someone later and claim it as my own.
I remember this well. I first fell in love with you after reading “Yoplait or mine?” And I’ve been pining for you ever since.
Still funny.
Just wanted to let you know that I <a href=”http://www.thealmostrightword.net/2008/10/premios/”have “awarded” you with a Brillante Premio. I know it’s almost as bad as being tagged for a meme, but hey…You deserve it! ;)
And, of course, I screwed up the html in that there comment. Woops.
Hilarious!
But I think I’m laughing more out of guilt. My fridge is quite the opposite and my thighs attest to this.
minus the knife, our fridges are the same. i try to keep sharp objects away from the kids. can’t afford the medical bills.
Best thing I’ve seen all day :o) Kind of makes me want to go stare mt my fridge for a bit. I don’t even know what’s in there, I only eat out of the freezer.
Made me laugh aloud and throw out everything I have in the office fridge.
Hey, first time reader here. and THAT was hilarious. “Yoplait or mine?” !!! That kills!
I remember having a similar ‘fridge back in the badgood old days a handful of years ago. I always kept a 1/2 full Britta water pitcher for guests and a full wine rack for myself. There was no sense in letting on to *ahem* overnight guests that I could actually make something consumable, aside from the Britta water…
I thought maybe you knew some secret trick about stabbing a vegetable to make it last longer.
;-)
OMG this made me spit scone all over my screen! mainly because it looks exactly like my fridge.
THANK YOU AMIGA :) made my day!
Why are you in my fridge? This is awesome!
I want to see the fridge door with the remnants of wine you accidentally forgot to finish, before you bought a new bottle. I call these “cooking wine” but really, it just makes me look a little booze-y.
The only thing different about a bachelor’s fridge (mine) is that the yoplait has a red top (not fat free), and there’s a half-opened red bull instead of the white wine.
Holy Hell! Your refrigerator looks like a clone of mine. (and apparently a few other peoples) Including knife (although mine isn’t stabbing a vegetable) a glass with just a sip left in it (why?) pasta sauce and yogurt (which i probably will never eat) and random other condiments.
Amazing that others live this way.
I just made 3 of my co-workers come over here and let me read it to them—it’s always funnier when I read them out loud.
Delight–just delightful.
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[...] by Courtney on October 28, 2008 This is hilarious! And sadly, completely true. Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino has photos of the contents in her fridge, and I mistaked it for my [...]