I am a complete sucker for punishment. I also cannot control myself when it comes to checking up on things. Like anything in the oven. Like old boyfriends via Google. I guess that last one is more like stalking, but you get the idea.
And so it was last night that after two glasses of wine I wandered down to the hotel vending machine to see if someone had reaped the rewards of my investment, if another had savored the sweetened pink squares intended for me the night before. I was surprised to see that my three Starburst packs were still hanging there, only now they were crushed up against the coil, bending in odd ways. A Cirque de Soleil of sugar, if you will. Oh, someone had gone for the big win, alright, and instead the machine mocked them too, shoving packs of Gummy Savers from behind without giving up a single Starburst. If only the masses would learn, I giggled.
And then I did something I can only attribute to the Cabernet – well, to the Cabernet or sheer stupidity. I pulled a crisp dollar out of my wallet and slowly fed it to the vending machine. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t be silly; I’m not that dumb. This time I would go for peanut M&Ms, a clear departure from the buffoon’s choice I’d made 24 hours earlier. And because these situations write themselves, you know just what happened, don’t you? The coil turned and teased and pushed out an electronic groan and then stopped. And held tightly to the bright yellow package. To say I experienced the fury of Corey Haim forced into rehab is an understatement. I had visions of myself climbing on top of the machine, jumping up and down as a four year old might, attempting with all my weight to dislodge every last captive Sun Chip and Skittle. But such actions mean traumatic brain injury or ending up in a cramped Dallas paddy wagon. And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but ‘tis very hot here.
So I put in another dollar. And because there is some order to the universe, because God loves me despite the sex, both packs of M&Ms dropped into the black abyss.
And so the story goes, vending machine. The human is once again the victor. And the human shall lock herself and her single dollar bills in her hotel room tonight.
22 Comments
In college there was a particular vending machine in my dorm. Every day (back when I could eat candy every damn day with no caloric repercussions)I would feed my coins into it and because I couldn’t make up my mind between two very wonderful things (usually M&Ms and a Milky Way)…I punched the buttons for both. Imagine my shock and awe when both items dropped like stones into the hopper. I looked around me to make sure there were no witnesses. There weren’t. And so…began a month-long affair with this vending machine, because 8 times out of 10 it would give me two items when I punched two buttons. And then…it stopped, but by then I was keeping beer in my dorm refrigerator so I couldn’t feel the loss as keenly. Your story reminded me of that. Kind of.
The guy who fills the vending machine where I work keeps putting items that don’t hold well between the spirals, so that half the time, you can find an item or two hanging half out of the spiral, and giving the box a couple of good thimps give me those items without cost! Yay Me!
Congratulations on your victory!
Vending machines with coils and by extension, newspaper vending machines are my personal nemeses. There are not enough quarters/crispy dollar bills to satisfy them. By the way — lengthy article all about waterboarding in the August issue of Vanity Fair.
I’m SO disappointed… after all that I can’t believe you didn’t give the Starbursts one. last. try. ::laughing::
I’m with Mia.
How could you not try for the Starbursts again? Girl, you have to beat the machine. Don’t let the machine beat you. Tonight, I hope you get your drink on and your dollars together and go back to claim your Starbursts.
That vending machine needs to PULL IT TOGETHER.
Just shake that machine like it’s your moneymaker.
And if that dangerous rocking (much like the musical stylings of Styx) manages to pin you underneath, please post something here so we send help. For your kitties.
I’m kidding. You know we’d get Walker, Texas Ranger right on the case.
Though I know it wouldn’t be for the greater good, many a time I wish I had more dysfunctional karma. My blog would be so much better.
Enjoy your chocolate peanutty goodness. : )
One more reason to hate Dallas.
Were the M&M’s everything you hoped for?
The M&Ms in the purple bag are where it’s at.
damnit. now I want M&M’s…
There is totally a camera where the hotel staff watches all this.
So did you try to shake the machine and the Starburst out?
God, again, now I want Starburst NOW!
OMG….Loved the comment “the fury of Corey Haim forced into rehab” — that had me in stitches….
I have a comment but it’s probably not what you want to read..
I have a vending machine at my job and when you press the little white button that lights up yellow for the Nestea Ice Tea.. 2, Yes, I repeat, 2 come flying down!
I’m good for my 8 hours behind the computer!
Great story though!!
This is the most in depth entry I’ve ever seen about vending machines.
And it was entertaining! I’m impressed.
That’s SO great! You make me laugh! Have a great weekend.
Ooooh, evil vending machines! I hate when that happens. I would say “you were lucky that the machine finally gave up the M&Ms,” but I’m thinking it’s the MACHINE that’s lucky. Because you would have most certainly taken out that fury! :)
The Ocho???
The vending machines are right outside my office door and if they steal my dollars without relinquishing candy/soda/sustenance I will stand by them at 10:30am when the DynaVend guy comes and demand my payback.
He always gives me my food. But I think he thinks I’m crazy.
And once again, the world is right!
Love the new (?) layout! Sadly I suffer from the same vending curse. I get nervous when I push the buttons.