In 1985, I called my best friend Maureen in a desperate flurry of rotary numbers. I wanted to be the first to tell her. Had she heard it? At first, silence. “Heard what?” she asked. Heard Madonna’s awesome new song? I said with considerable pubescent sass. “No,” she said. “How does it go?” I hummed a few bars, savoring the moment. It was so hot to have the goods before Maureen did. There was silence on her end. “Um, that’s Burning Up,” she said. Apparently she had heard it. Two years earlier. When every other person in America first heard it.
In April of 1991, Tom leaned in and pressed his shoulder against mine. His nose brushed my flushed cheek and I thought I might throw up in his lap. Instead I turned my head sheepishly as I had seen Donna Martin do. We touched lips. And then each of us forced our mouths open. And in what I thought then was romance, we moved our lower jaws up and down in rapid unison, just like those overzealous kids do in high school choirs. Turns out romance was slimy and loud with much too much spittle. It was my first kiss with tongue. I was 17 years old.
In 1996, I sidled up to the bar at the Carlyle Grand in Shirlington. College graduates and therefore women of the world, my roommate and I opted for a more upscale spot for brunch. The bartender was her boyfriend. “And what will you be drinking?” she asked me. I considered my options. I knew that vodka made me yell at boyfriends and then cry in bathrooms and Beast Light probably wasn’t appropriate for such a venue. “I’ll have a glass of the Sutter Home White Zin.” She looked at me with a mixture of pity and understanding. “No. You don’t really want that,” she said, placing her hand on mine. “Like you don’t really want that ever again.”
In 2008, I still own a VCR, don’t have a lot parked on MySpace, and don’t get why anyone ever liked Modest Mouse. But I did finally just join Twitter.
And I swear I kiss better now.
23 Comments
Well, thank god your technique has improved, but I’m still not sure what to make of the VCR. (OK, I have one too, but I now can use the DVD player without looking through the book that came with it. I have a master’s degree.)
What the hell is Twitter? I see it everywhere but am terminally clueless.
THAT is the BEST twitter name I have ever heard. Awesome.
At least you made it to the party. Stick with the VCR. According to Wall-e, it will last.
Believe me, you aren’t the latestest bloomer, I don’t even pay my bills on-line. I’m square, squared!! ;-)
I’m deathly afraid of getting too behind the times to keep up with my students. I’m on Facebook, so that makes me somewhat cool I guess. I also own an iPod. Not sure about this Twitter business, and I have a hard time uttering “Wii” because I think it might just be a joke.
I’m glad you joined Twitter because I am selfish like that.
I can’t wait to read about when you eat a turkey sammich or return to the Man Pit.
This is going to be so convenient for your e-stalkers.
Listen to Modest Mouse’s “The Moon and Antarctica.” It’s pretty good.
Twitter is life’s biggest time suck. I actually am glad work blocks it, otherwise I might never leave my desk to pee.
Welcome to the dark side.
P.S. My first kiss was when I was 2 weeks shy of 18.
Totally following you! And you can find me here.
I’m also a late bloomer. I got my first computer three years ago, and it was only because it was given to/forced upon me.
And I’ve also never had a threesome. Weird, right?
Well, I’m not much better. I signed up months ago and have never really taken the time to use it. I’ll give it another try.
Twitter is like a t-top Camaro or flatbed El Camino, tightly tapper rolled denim or multi belt looped Z Cavariccis - I just don’t get it. Of course, that didn’t stop me from signing up.
Only got TiVo last year. We’re the last to get everything. I will not judge you for still having a VCR. I still call cds “albums”.
Nooo… Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes. Have a drink, and then put it on. Until the yelling, you’ll be convinced that you need a pole and some six inch heels.
I do believe “burning up” is still one of Madonna’s best songs.
and i’m so glad you twitted my way!
“vodka made me yell at boyfriends and then cry in bathrooms” ME TOO!
“in a desperate flurry of rotary numbers” was most clever.
Is there something wrong with a VCR? Is that what you’re saying?
Don’t tell me you joined Twitter, because now I might be tempted to imitate you.
Next year.
Ha. Wait a while. See how hip you feel in your forties.
Oh yeah…sweet cloying white zin.
how is the not smoking going?? Looking for inspiration!!
Hurrah! for joining Twitter. It definitely eats time but in a friendly bird-like way.
Oh no! Not twitter! I can’t keep up! I just can’t!