Day 1
Quitting smoking? Quitting smoking. It’s gotten to be too much, too often, too needed. I’m energized, I’m feeling good, I’m dreading it.
Day 1, morning 1. A woman in front of me at McDonald’s pays for her breakfast with dimes. DIMES. I contemplate impaling her on my Diet Coke straw but decide that wouldn’t be very Christian of me.
Day 1, morning 1 + 10 minutes. The McDonald’s clerk beckons for number 175. Number 175, please come pick up your order. Number 175 . . . Bueller? The dime hag approaches the clerk, saying, “I’m 175. But did you say 135?” Now, if the clerk had said 135, are you really willing to wait for 40 people to McMuffin up before you get to? Asshats don’t deserve to eat.
I think I’m edgy.
Day 2
I share with friends that I’m on the quest for health but worry about gaining more weight in the process. T2ed emails me something along the lines of, “just because you don’t have a cigarette in your mouth doesn’t mean you have to shove a pizza in there,” and I begin to fantasize about things I could shove in his trapper to head off further helpful commentary.
Day 3
I read someplace that it helps to think of yourself as a nonsmoker.
I am a nonsmoker.
I am a nonsmoker.
That really felt good.
I am a nonsmoker who would sell her eggs and her body for one cigarette, would agree to babysit your litter and help your oldest build his baking soda volcano for just one precious lungful.
I’d even take a menthol.
Day 4
Dooce is on a cleanse. A few of the commenters are bordering on cultlike when they invite her to the healthy side, and I fear this about the nonsmoking. I fear disappointing people and myself if I have a cigarette once a week. Twice. Like I’m not pure enough, not doing it right. It’s like being a vegetarian rather than a vegan because you fell short, because you just can’t cut it.
I also fear going postal when I feel like I did today, standing in the Geek Posse line for the umpteenth time, waiting to be reunited with my laptop while techs stared at their reflections in their own glasses. I came home and cleaned the oven instead.
Day 5
Interesting that when taking on one challenge, I feel the need to check off the whole top 10 list. Lose the weight, stop biting the nails again, start using the telescope for good rather than evil. It’s almost too much. It’s not ripping off a bandaid, but instead something more akin to having your entire body waxed at once, even your dry and crusty tongue, simply because you think it will hurt less in the long run. Even though you’re so on edge you contemplate dropping the cats off at Giant, because with all those aisles maybe they’ll stop the incessant begging for food, and you wouldn’t with every mrow imagine stuffing them and putting them on the mantle for eternity.
Day 6
We’ll call today “oops.”
I learned today that the brain that finds itself under the influence of softball barbeque miller lite and some sort of shots that should be reserved for 18 year olds also convinces itself that, hey, if you have someone light your cigarette for you, you aren’t really smoking.
You aren’t really smoking at least five cigarettes after making it six days without one.
Day 7
I learned today that the brain that finds itself under the influence of Red Bull, and the anxiety that goes along with being in a room full of people who will touch your sweaty body and make small talk infinitum, can make it through said activities without you smoking a single cigarette.
We’ll call today “the day you licked wing sauce off your wrist in public.”
We’ll also call it “baby steps.”
24 Comments
quit smoking the day that I found out I was pregnant…I had to do it cold turkey (or feel like the worst person/mother in the world for the rest of my life)–It’s been almost four months and I dream about smoking nightly (the other night it was with Antwaan Randel El, a football player I never even knew I knew). I also sniff my husband’s pack when he’s not looking. Baby steps.
I was helpfully suggesting you not put an entire pizza in your now non-smoky pie hole.
Said the boy who never smoked.
I can’t read posts like this….they give me insane cigarette cravings. Since I am trying to smoke only when I drink then it makes me want to drink thus creating another problem.
Not good for me but awesome for you!
Here, in England, there are things called sneaky cigs (oh they use the english word). You have one, you haven’t broken, you don’t have to start counting days again, you are still a nonsmoker, you are still powerful enough to overcome the addiction. Sneaky cigs were the reason I was able to quit smoking all together. Best
Lady, you are brill! I have a mad girly blogger crush on you.
I’m really hoping that came off as flattering and not as creepy…
I tried to quit about 5 times before it finally “took”. I used the patch for a month then stopped. I was ready. You will know when you are ready. It won’t be so hard. The first time I went cold turkey was horrific. I was shaking all over. Irritable as a PMSing woman having root canal without anesthetic. That lasted about 8 hours. You can do it. You’re too bright to keep smoking. Blah blah blah…
Can I assume that if you ever have to come to Denver you will contact me for a cocktail and dinner? Don’t worry. I will make sure you do not fall in love with me. ;) How? Muhahahaha (evil scientist laugh).
I started smoking after 17+ months of being a “non-smoker.” For the love of god and all that it is holy: why can’t there be a healthy g-damned cigarette?! All I want is to smoke my vitamins, once or twice a day.
I don’t envy you. Not because you’re fighting cravings. More because everyone and their brother will either criticize you for smoking in the first place, or offer their 100%-guaranteed-to-work advice.
To me, you’ll always be smokin’ babe. :)
I’m proud of you for quitting. I’ve never smoked except for those dozen or so in college, but I can imagine it’s difficult. You’re smart enough to know what you need to do to quit, so I won’t give you advice. Keep at it.
I never smoked a cigarette in my life. Joints-a-Plenty but never a cigarette. I haven’t had any inover 15 years (I have to pass the wizz quiz) Use whatever means you can to keep cigarette out of your Pretty Girl Pie Hole and you will be much more kiss-able within a week! Just Sayin’
I think I’ve told you my two foolproof plans for quitting smoking before, but:
Step One: go to Vegas. Make your way down the strip from the MGM Grand to Paris, drinking one margarita and one shot of tequila at each casino. Smoke one cigarette. Vomit in Bar Central at Paris Casino, nearly dying of embarrassment when they call the hazmat team on you and your best friend screams “she’s not throwing up anthrax.” Continue vomiting throughout the next day, as you ride through the desert from Vegas to Phoenix in a Geo.
This will take you down to being only an occasional/social smoker. Three years later, you can implement step two.
Step Two: go out to drink with friends while trying to keep a weighty secret. Have one Guinness, several bourbon and cokes, and a shot of Jaegermeister. Smoke one cigarette. Get concussion. Never smoke again.
Well, at the risk of sounding like one of those annoying people who doesn’t smoke and says things like “You can do it!!” (And I don’t mean that in a Tony Little sort-of-way), you rock.
I LOVE your new place!
After 4 yrs of being a nonsmoker, this is my twothousandfivehundredandfiftyfifth day of “oops”…
Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. And if there isn’t, I’ll be damned glad I slipped. I do so enjoy me an first thing in the morning smoke and the second cup of coffee smoke and the… I’ll shut up.
Good luck with that.
congrats…it is a long journey. But you are better for trying. did ya know your lungs start repairing themselves IMMEDIATELY? Like if I took apicture of your lung right now and then you went a week with no cig and I took another pic- it would ALREADY be healthier? Hows that for motivation! It suck though….hang on
Good Luck Kris! I quit 9 years ago in October. My husband and I quit together 1 month after we got married. We wanted to get kittens…and didn’t want to kill them with cigarette smoke in our little apartment.
9 years later…I am sickened by the smell of smoke. I do still dream about them occassionally, and I did take a puff off one about 4 years ago. I hated it.
Be strong.
One. of. the. hardest. things. ever.
You can do it. Good luck. : )
Hey, congrats on your new locale! And design! (I love it).
I wish I could commisserate with you on quitting smoking. Instead, I can commisserate on general tobacco usage. I blame the redneck I dated in my Tallahassee days for getting me hooked on dip, which is infinitely more disgusting than cigarettes if that makes you feel better.
And yes – nicotine is some addictive shit.
1. You can do it!
2. LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look!!
New, smoke free digs?
Loving it!
Hey look at it this way, more time for vino…cheers!
I’ve had such a hard time quitting now that I’m knocked up. Thankfully, I want vomit after a drag. a plus, no?
I’m in the same boat. I’m trying to do all of it at once: stop smoking, eat healthier, lose weight, exercise everyday. It’s too much. All I want to do is have a nice cup of coffee with a cigarette on the side.
I slipped up the other night after a few beers, but I still get to be a non-smoker, I’ve decided. It didn’t count, because I say it didn’t count.
Good luck. :-)
(heart)
Keep it up. I must have quit a million times. So frustrating, so addictive. Freakin’ monkey-on-your-back. I haven’t had a cigarette in over 10 years. I suppose it helps that I married a guy who detests smoking. He’d rather see me with another man than a cigarette.
This is an excellent post! As a female I know that smoking is more of a risk for me than a male.