These important life lessons sponsored by MS Word bullets
- Don’t leave your apartment at 8:53 am with only a screwdriver and your new license plates.
- When leaving said apartment, try to wear something other than yoga pants and a white tee shirt. Like a bra and underwear.
- When you realize you’ve locked yourself out and have only a car key, don’t berate yourself for not washing your face or brushing your teeth before exposing yourself to the daylight.
- Stay calm. You have given spare keys out to 5 friends for this very purpose.
- Don’t panic when you realize that none of these friends is home. Or that you have no phone. Or money. Or underwear.
- Try not to worry about looking homeless as you scour the streets of DC for change. It is enough that you know you have steady employment.
- Don’t abuse your steering wheel as it dawns on you first that pay phones no longer exist, and next that you are too gross in appearance to stop at the fire station for help, where all the brothers are lined up out front to greet the Pope.
- When you do locate a pay phone 30 minutes later, don’t curse technological advances as you realize you only know one phone number by heart: your mother’s.
- While trying to figure out how to make a collect call and conceal your nipples at the same time, ignore the haggard man playing with your tires. He’s only interested because you parked half of your car on the sidewalk.
- When your mother doesn’t pick up two collect calls, avoid calling her names under your breath lest she pick up on the third.
- While driving to another state to retrieve your spare keys, wash your face with a hand wipe and pull the screwdriver through your hair in the hope that your mother will recognize you at rendez vous point.
- While waiting for mother at marina, ignore frowning woman on cell phone placing a call while watching you change “your” license plates. Yes, you look like a criminal.
- 60 minutes later, when your mother arrives with money, insurance card, and Diet Coke in hand, suppress every urge to jump on her back and hug her tightly. You know full well she’ll feel your commando breasts and take the Diet Coke back.
28 Comments
Oh no! So something that would happen to me.
Commando boobs and all.
Oh! That sounds like quite the adventure!
You’re my hero.
Dude. Well done for not letting go of the Diet Coke.
Huh…I assumed the ’screwdriver’ in the first bullet referred to a thermos full of vodka with a splash of orange juice. Sadly, however, no.
Oh no! Too funny, great story. I like how the happy ending included Mom and Diet Coke :)
When you do shit like this, it just confirms why I love you the way I do.
From now on, might I suggest you wear a lanyard with your house key dangling off? It’s latchkey kid chic.
That’s hilarious and painful simultaneously. Thank goodness for Moms, right?
LOL. And I’d love to hear more about your nipples. ; )
haha. I’m happy to harbor a 6th spare key for you if you’d like :)
I did this once…..I had a couple inmates (who were working on the side of te road for the city) break into my house for me. Sadly it only took them about sixty seconds.
Reason number 4 why I want to hang with Kris: fun stuff like this will happen to us and I love to laugh! Curious.. what is your age range for dating men? Just askin’…. :)
Peace
Oh goodness! That is hilarious! I once locked my keys in the car when I went out to start it on a cold day… then I couldn’t get back in the house because my keys were in the car.
that’s so true – when i lost my cell phone, i couldn’t call anyone, not even my live-in boyfriend. oh, technology.
Boy, if I had $1 for everytime the exact same thing happened to me, I would not be able to purchase any coffee.
The questions is: Why were you changing your license plate in the first place?
I have been known to take out the garbage, take the kids to school, drop off mail at the post office, dressed just like that. I worry sometimes that I have locked the door, out of habit, on my way out. I’ve hidden a key in the yard for just such an occasion…
On the subject of commando boobage, I’m just thankful that they still point up, at least when I’m standing. Bending over, I’m not even going there.
I thought this kind of shit only happened to me!!
Frequently, though, I can get into my house, but am stranded with no money, wearing what looks like a hooker outfit during the day, soaking wet, and having locked keys in my car.
Bless your mama!
OMG Kris – I love your blog! :) I just stumbled upon it! So fun to find new people to stalk over the internet.
And that? sounds like a perfect start to a day. Congrats!
there’s a deli on the corner near my apartment that i have visit three times a day, at least. about 6 months ago, after locking myself out for the hundredth time, i asked them to hold down a spare key for me. i just lied to them and told them that i had a vicious dog inside should they ever get designs on using it to enter my apt.
Oh this is great! Too funny.
just found your blog and am horrified i didn’t know about it sooner. lady, you are hilarious!
Kris,
I too, can hold a spare key for you. Sure NYC IS a little far away but I’d also come down (for you) at a moments’ notice-just to give you your diet coke-fix and a hug with Commando Boobs thrown in!
hahaha this was one of the best posts i think i may have ever read. hilarious!
Oh my, this is a page out of the story of MY life. Only there are no firemen at all, much to my dismay.
Oh my god, I am so sorry!! But thank you for letting me get that “The Office” feeling of utter horrification (yes, that’s not a word) at the events transpiring.
You might as well have been completely naked without your phone!
I love your blog… and I thought about this entry when I locked myself out yesterday, and dragging an extension ladder from the backyard to the driveway (pimped out for the day/night ahead in my bar jeans, silky top, and 3 inch heels). My friend luckily lives a few blocks away, so she helped me lift the ladder to my hallway window. Was a big decision whether or not to wear the stilletos up the ladder or leave them on the ground. Once I was up and at the top, I can only imagine how it must have looked to see me tearing the spine off the screen window and then shimmy-ing in – legs flailing. I have a nice scrape and a few bruises, but at least I didn’t have to give the locksmith $150. After all, a girl needs money for the bar. Keep up the excellent blogging, Kris – someone should offer you a book deal or something.