What I want you to do is write back. I want you to email and say that you’ve been acting like an idiot. That you know the unreturned texts were a dick move, that the statements about doing something or other that never manifest were a bad idea on your part. That you blowing off anything even remotely serious, even on a friend level, is not really who you are, but is instead just a temporary departure from your norm. Admissions that you got lazy are welcomed. Acknowledgements that you thought you wanted this something once, but just aren’t ready for it, are also appreciated.
I shouldn’t care this much about this pebble under the mattress, but I do. When I get a text I wonder if it’s you, even just to say something small and meaningless. They aren’t from you, and they were always meaningless. When an email pops up in the lower right of my screen, I hope it’s from you, one of the one-liners that somehow has sustained me for all this time. The ones with the incomplete words and intentional misspellings. To save time. Because it takes time to type seven words correctly.
When I’m tired, this is worse. It hits me like cold water splashed on a cranky baby and there simply isn’t time or an available resource to make sense of what’s happened. The wine probably doesn’t help. In the moment it seems to, makes me feel a little giddy. The giggles make me more resilient. They make me feel marketable, too. A sad state of affairs in and of itself.
I want you to realize that I’m a good thing, a great thing, a woman worth spending the tiny energy it would take to make something of this. You’re there – I saw you – so why beat that part of you into taking that back seat? Don’t you want something this rich in your life?
It shouldn’t be this hard. And so it won’t be.
30 Comments
it really shouldn’t be this hard, should it? i tell myself that sometimes.
i wish it made me not want it though.
amazing how long we can hold out hope, isn’t it?
You definitely are a great thing, and that’s the best thing that you can do for yourself. It’s amazing how different people can act when they’re so fearful of being a failure… and shows you how much of a failure he is by acting many years his junior. You’re an awesome woman, and I’m happy you recognize that.
Anyone who needs to hear this, is not good enough for someone who knows enough to diagnose it.
My two cents.
no, it so shouldn’t be this hard. yet, how come it’s so easy to get sucked in by it all? i hear you lady.
Sometimes difficult beginnings mean happy endings, but only you can figure out how much you are willing to accept to get there. And it sounds like you already have.
You did a great job writing this, Kris, which is why we all see ourselves in it.
I used to think this feeling was something we’d all grow out of, and one of the great disappointments of my adult life is that it isn’t.
:) Indeed. I wrote this many moons ago and only decided to post it now. I’ve almost forgotten these feelings at this point . . .
I’m allowed to cut and paste this, right? I’m just saying. Why should I try and pen something that will fall terribly short. After all, I’ve been having those same thoughts and aches and pains since, well, I don’t want to talk about it.
I was just about to give you an “amen sister” on this post b/c you summed up my feelings exactly but then my cell phone rang…and it was my guy, the one who sends the one line emails and drunken texts, etc. What are the odds of that happening? And why did I still answer the phone when I know better??
btw, I’m Kristy (aka Kris) and I came across your site one day last week while I was, ahem, “working” -so I guess I’m no longer a lurker! hi!
Touching post and so very true…
“I want you to realize that I’m a good thing, a great thing, a woman worth spending the tiny energy it would take to make something of this. You’re there – I saw you – so why beat that part of you into taking that back seat? Don’t you want something this rich in your life?”
I’m so glad you feel this way!!
Sigh
Sigh
Sigh
Speaking straight out of my heart. It shouldn’t be this hard.
It’s right in front of them..they should take it…and if they don’t…they are not worth it.
but that doesn’t help with the humming of the cell phone or the email popping up.
I am so there with you. Thanks for writing that.
Anyone who reads this and hasn’t seen themselves is either and illiterate fool [who can't read anyway...hee] or is cold and heartless.
I don’t think there is a single person out there that can’t relate to this post – not only on it’s surface, but the underlying message…well articulated.
Thanks for sharing.
< ----look at me the illiterate!
I meant AN illiterate fool….sigh.
I am not a girl, but somehow a wino without the wine….giggle….
I think you meant to say “I know you know I’m a good thing and you’re scared you big puss”, ’cause he must be. How could he not realize you are a good thing and, in fact, he is the one not worthy? That’s CLEARLY the issue.
I’m sorry for your pain.
So many of us waste so much time on the what-ifs, why-nots and how- comes…when in fact we should be saying, fuck you, not a chance in hell and good luck with that.
Try to have a better day.
Listen.
I e-mailed.
I called.
I sent you a basket full of teddy bears and wine gums.
Just because they weren’t alcoholic wine gums, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
:)
When I started reading this, I felt like it was from a slightly younger time.
Yes, we can all sees ourselves in this post. It has happened to all of us. Ironic, I just pulled out an old diary the other day & read an entry that had the same theme. You never know how these relationships end up. Sometimes you just need to pull completely away from that person who is hurting you. If they come back to you, maybe it was meant to be…if not, than maybe it wasn’t & it then it is time to move on and begin the healing….
OMG. I think I wrote this. Via you. Maybe it’s the same guy! How is it possible than men cannot fathom a womans need for closure? I am adding you to my blogroll thingy. You’re hilarious.
Hey… do you want me to kick this guy’ ass for you?
I hear you, sister! This piece is awesome.
Wine and resilience. Both important tools in the essential everyday FIGHT of being a woman with a big heart. And obviously you are.
::hug::
My God, this is so insightful! You managed to capture something that we all feel and express it some beautifully and with such clarity.
Thanks for sharing this with us!
I heart you, lady. this was awesome.
Geez, stop reading for a few days…
Emma Watson nude is COOOL@@@@
nude Emma Watson
When it comes to relationships remember . . . in the first stage of a coming together of a man and a woman that’s as good as it gets. You might want to rethink what it is you want from this guy because it sounds like you ain’t gonna get it . . . and come to think of it, he doesn’t get it either.
I still think he should be beaten.
holy heck, I could have written this.
it took me four (yes, FOUR!) years to understand that my efforts cannot cause another to increase theirs.
it was a painful lesson.
i hope your is less so.