Notice that it is still in its casing. As I will be returning it tomorrow.
I bought this statuette for my Oscar party that was ne’er to be. Bug loves it. Because it has boobs.
PRE-GAME
Ok, Maggie Gylenhaaaaaaaaahl. Apparently you aren’t the troll I thought you were. But don’t think I don’t want him back under the bed by midnight. Per our joint custody agreement.
Jennifer Hudson: Solid Gold called . . . Nah, too easy. I’ll think of something else in the next five hours.
Kelly Preston: We ALL love Target. But it’s not really cool to buy your Oscar dress there.
I’ve never liked Penelope Cruz. I’m not sure what it is. But now that I see she has a huge pimple next to her eye, I adore her. Eye adore her.
Why doesn’t anyone show up to these things tanked anymore? So disappointing.
OMG. Ryan Seacrest actually just said there was “lotsa Wang” on the red carpet. Tell me you got that on TiVo.
OMG! Ryan Seacrest just said “I can barely make it over the bush” while leaning in to kiss Forrest Whitaker’s wife. PLEASE tell me you got that one on TiVo.
Best dressed thus far: Kate Winslet and Beyonce. Cate. Helen Mirren. Classy ladies. Classy. REESE! Your pieces are indeed good.
*crickets*
Ok, because children cannot make decisions for themselves, parents and stylists and priests need to make decisions for them. Who dressed the little girl from Miss Sunshine like the basket on the front of a kid’s pink Huffy? Seriously.
Lisa Ling may have gotten her dress at Au Coton. (Does ANYONE understand that old skool reference?)
Seriously. Marky? Mr. Mark? Mama feels the vibration.
Ok, let’s get on with this.
IT’S ON! IT’S REALLY ON!
Leo. You make the loins hurt.
Ellen. Liberace called . . . even he wouldn’t wear the velvet suit.
Nicole Kidman is wearing Hallmark. And even that looks great on her. But when did they start doing Best Art Direction first? WHERE ARE MY BEST SUPPORTING AWARDS? Probably in a locker with Hudson’s lame jacket.
I don’t know how to feel about the Jack Black et al. thing. But I do know that Will Ferrell completes the Jackson 6.
I have no idea what that adorable Norweigan winner just said. But I’m pretty sure it had something to do with Ikea.
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SO FREAKING BORING. WHERE ARE THE GOOD AWARDS?
First shocker! Eddie Murphy eats it. Wow. This is Karma for the Scary Spice/baby’s mama thing. Honestly.
Sweet Jebus. Music belongs on the Grammy’s people. DO YOU NOT GET YOUR OWN DAMN AWARDS?!?
Excuse me while I lick the tv glass enjoy Leo in spectacular Tivo’d slow motion. And Cameron, while I’m at it.
Meryl Streep’s ridiculous talent makes up for that awful Princess Diaries dress.
Oh my God. Has Maria Shriver/Skeletor won the Lifetime Achievement Award?
I’m pretty sure Robert Downey, Jr. just left Britney in rehab. Promises, promises.
Jennifer Hudson winning = yawn. This was more of a sure thing than Heidi Fleiss. Quelle surprise. And pullease, if you know you’re going to win, PREPARE US A PRETTY SPEECH FOR WATCHING FOR THE PAST FIVE HOURS, WOULDYA?
SERIOUSLY. SO BORING I LONG FOR THE DEATH MONTAGE.
“For the English-speaking awards, press 1.”
Welcome to the American Stage, Frau Dunst.
Thank you, Dreamgirls cast, for finally putting some zest into this show. Now THAT is what performing is all about. Makes the last six hours worth it.
Please someone save me. Like Rose tried to save Jack. From our collective demise.
4/5 viewers agree. We have no effing idea what that 11:41 pm montage was. No idea.
During the 11:48 death montage, when Scotty from Star Trek came on screen, my neighbor asked, “Well now who’s going to beam me up?” Kick ass.
I’m saddened to say there was no Anna Nicole in the death montage. (WE NEED A MONTAGE!)
PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN LOOKS LIKE NICK NOLTE’S MUG SHOT.
Helen Mirren, I wish I could be as beautiful as you at your age. And I bet you have amazing sex.
Reese + Leo + Gosling within two minute span = soft core, party people.
OMG! Yay! Scorcese is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars!
OMG Number 2! Diane Keaton is indeed a woman!
Seriously. The MOST BORING OSCARS EVER. Even I couldn’t find enough crap to fill one night of live blogging. And what was with the cirque de soleil stuff? Very borg-ish, and we all know how I feel about the borgs. Anyhoo, at least I TiVod much Leo, the still shots of which shall get me through many a night until the next awards show . . .
and I bid thee adieu.
183 Comments
i’m patiently awaiting!!!!
i’ll start off by saying, wtf? on jennifer hudson’s star trek gown?
i thought i might find you here. IT’S YOU AND ME FOR THE NIGHT, BABY!
good call on the j. hudson. good call.
Ok, this is where someone comments back to me so I don’t look like a loser.
*crickets*
Where are you watching the pre-game? I’m madly surfing and can’t find it!
E! baby girl, E!
I’m watching E!– is that what you’re watching?!?
SBC- mm mm good.
Dammit! No cable. I am relying on you!
Reese looks completely and totally amazing. AMAZING.
Ryan Seacrest is like a damn train wreck. And Latifah has best makeup of the night so far. She is hoooooooot. I don’t even look at the dudes. OMG Reese. Beeee-you-tiful.
Single women ALWAYS look the hottest. Hello! So true in real life, too.
Not in this house. I’m doing a conditioning treatment. Not. Hot. What’s with the penguins?
I just looked up the pictures on People.com, and OMG – Andre Leon Talley did Jennifer Hudson wrong. WHY did she let him style her and not Jennifer Paster?
Just one night with Leonardo. Just one. That’s all I need.
So pretty.
Did Andre Leon Talley used to play football? In that suit?
cameron diaz looks just terrible. And, like leather. :(
ALT is ENORMOUS. Holy God.
Penelope Cruz looks like she’s wearing a comforter.
does it count if i show up to the oscar countdown tanked?
how much work has nicole kidman had on her face? i’m thinking too much plasta-girl.
i for one would like to rock a gown with no bra, jessica biel.
okay, i promise, i won’t leave 34 comments tonight!
DO IT.
DOOOOO IT.
Kris -> Most comments EVAR!
more. MORE!
I just slept through The Departed
In fact I’m pretty sure I would have slept through the entire thing had it not been for my alarm.
This better be good.
i think someone told jennifer to shed the lame’ jacket….
what’s up with ellen’s white shoes?
funny that lame’ is spelled l-a-m-e.
Let that be a lesson to us all.
Thank you, Ellen. OH LEO! I did want to look again.
And again. More! How cute is Ellen’s mom?
What’s up with Nicole Kidman’s dress? It looks like her boobs were boosted up and spread out at the same time.
while i love ellen, i do have to say, i miss billy crystal’s beginning montage…
i am so in love with nicole kidman. she is so beautiful and classy…
kimmay, read what i wrote in the post — i’m sorry . . . ;(
gb, i was thinking the same thing. WE NEED A MONTAGE!
what, maggie is standing up straight??
JORGE! LAFONTAINE! LAFONTAINE!
Kris, did you see Maggie and not want to kick her in the head or steal her baby daddy?
i’m glad maggie can read, but could she make it sound a little more interesting?
actors, people, aren’t you actors?
why is everyone giving nicole such a hard time? she’s had a rough couple of months. BACK OFF!!!
OMG please someone kill me. Or them.
hilar. LOVE IT.
gosling hot.
you have to admit, helen is hot.
and let the crying dude give his speech.
AUA humped the screen when Maggie Gyllenhall came on.
I love Will Ferrell’s fro.
AUA . . . NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, though, that means more Peter for me.
and seriously. the little people NEVER get to give their speeches. It sucks.
IKEA was in sweden before it was in norway
best choir EVER!!!!
I need to join this choir.
i missed my calling in life, sound effects.
who knew they used lays potato chips for walking in leaves?
LOL! seriously, am i boring or is it this awards? TELL ME, PEOPLE?
even though i didn’t see the movie, i’m sad the bad news bears dude didn’t win. i always love a come back story.
it’s the awards kris! they are giving you nothing to work with!!
i really wanted mark to win. he is so hot…
i’ve made the scorsese caterpillar eyebrow jokes before, but PLEASE.
that dance troupe is the coolest thing ever. My tap class so does not compare.
in my mind i’m goin to carolina…
james taylor makes me want to kill myself.
Word on Eddie Murphy. GOD he is skeezy.
Also, Fox is showing an awesome episode of Family Guy — in case you need a break from the boring awards.
Oh sweet baby whoorl. How sweet it is to be love by you.
And he talks pretty, too. *sigh*
Love, love me do.
DUDE, why is everyone so damn tan?
Mmm . . . Maggie G. Delish.
And, HEY! Let’s politicize the Oscars!
why does every melissa etheridge song sound the same?
Gore lookee like he got him an eye lift.
He did. And they put the extra skin on Leo’s biceps. Raaaawr.
because you’re DRUNK, GB.
cameron is crumbling inside…JT, COME BACK TO ME!!! WAHHHHHHHHH!
Why can’t Ben Affleck catch a terminal STD?
not yet….
This is a disjointed montage. Given, they are picking every clip that has used the word “write” that has ever been filmed.
Hello, curmudgeon.
not yet? WHY?
And – bald Nicholson!
the kids are buggin’.
i can’t wait for the people who died this year. i need a good cry…
In re: question re: why everyone is so tan? It’s called airbrushed body make-up people..
jesus, enough already.
gb, are you home?
seriously. we need a DEAD MONTAGE!!!
okay it’s official – the commercials are now more entertaining than the Oscars…
Au Coton! I wore mine with Units. TELL ME you remember Units.
Also, best supporting actor was announced? Who?
whoorl: but of course!
i didn’t want anyone to ruin my superbowl of nights, though by the look of things, this is all too anti-climactic.(sp?)
stacy, congratulations on the job!
Uh. Anne Hathaway? Is that a BLACK VELVET BUTTERFLY on your chest?
Why have I never liked her. Princess Diaries? Or something in her face?
WHOORL! Thank you! (But I don’t want to accept it. Is that terrible? Probably. But I’m counter-offering. How the hell do you make a counter?)
wait, WHAT JOB?
Meryl Streep rocks.
This costume montage is weird.
I’m ready for Best Actor/Actress already.
Fuck if I know.
It’s Anne Hathaway’s mouth. Something is up with her mouth.
The main reason Oscar got boring is that they moved it to the Kodak theatre which is less than 1/2 the size of the Shrine and so now they can only let in presenters and the actual nominees and guest(s) – so there’s not much room for anyone to get sloppy drunk because everyone there is afraid they’re going to be shown on camera and it will be at the biggest moment of their career as opposed to the “who gives a f*&*, I’m nobody this year – I’m getting ripped!” (that and it seems in Hollywood these days the knee jerk reaction to having a glass of champagne is to shave your head and check into rehab…)
hey jurgen!
like i commented before, at least you didn’t spit ice at him, like i did on an interview.
i say counter, if you don’t care. you never know if you don’t try.
and is this chick, a male or a female or just androgynous? she’s bringing back the colonel sanders look.
sanora, we MUST return to the good old days.
Uh oh. Holla, SCIENTOLOGY!
poor boy has had had the pleasure of being fired by Paramount after Sherie left…
i wonder if tom is wearing his girdle tonight…
Kris, I got an offer. But not with whom I want AND the fuckers lowballed me. Fuckers.
And Anne Hathaway. Nice People interview, asshat. “I party as much as Lindsay Lohan!” she says. Whatever. You and James Blunt can just go suck it, you posers. You’re not bad, so get used to it. Go fuck a unicorn or something.
I’m still in a horrible mood. Sorry.
Hellooooo, turkeyneck!
OMG. Exactly.
gwen, hello mennonite! no offense if you are a mennonite.
Can I just ask…seriously. What is wrong with Gwenyth Paltrow? Really, now. Something is wrong with her. I was all primed to like her again and then she consistently sticks that choice up my butthole and makes me regret liking her. Why do I think of Baby Bjorns for her boobs when I look at her dress? Because seriously. Her boobs are encased in coral Baby Bjorns.
I was hoping Gwyneth would whip out that fake British accent of hers, so I could hate her more. Damn.
Also! Did y’all see Rene Russo??! What happened to her? There are two of her! Or my eyes were blurred and made her look like she got huge.
Gwenyth “I Didn’t Say Everyone in America is Trailer Park Trash, I Was Speaking in Sanskrit BECAUSE I AM AN ARISTOCRAT and it was Just INTERPRETED That Way BY IDIOTS. I Really Said Everyone Besides Me is Ugly and Stupid” Paltrow, that is. Pardon me.
I miss Bjork’s dead swan dress…I miss Little Feather accepting Brando’s award, I miss David Niven commenting on the streaker, I miss when Lawrence Olivier announced the winner before mentioning any of the nominees for Best Picture or was it actor?…I miss when weird shit could and did happen at the Oscars – I think I just dated myself…
i love robert downey’s grey hair.
I love that rehab actually worked for him…of course, he probably didn’t take breaks to go to the hairdresser..
it’s almost 10:30. did i miss best supporting actress or did they not announce it yet????
i love his grey pubes.
grey’s anatomy, so to speak . . .
*crickets*
i really can’t understand anything they are saying…
well, if that’s the case, i’m very pleased. i love grey-haired men…of course, i also want to marry fat james spader, so what gives.
omg, a james spader of ANY size.
i still heart sizemore, which i understand makes me a ridiculous skank.
One good thing about being on the west coast is that it ends at 9 o’clock – still time to get to bed early …
One bad thing about being on the west coast, people actually take this shit seriously and analyze it until midnight…
i wouldn’t expect anything less, kris.
and that is why i love you.
yes, clooney, is pretty hot…
i heart you whoorl, just for knowing it. ;)
sanora, i will analyze until dawn . . . ;)
and just a wink for anyone who didn’t get one already:
;)
you just know beyonce, is soooo pissed….
So commercial break and Jerry Seinfield is coming up…JERRY? Is this the Emmys???? when the f*&* did Jerry become a major film player (and animation shouldn’t count…)
YES, TOTALLY PISSED!
And I hear ya on the George Clooney. I’m such a cliche, but I love him and want to eat him. I think I shall dream of him tonight.
I bet George Clooney has some Grey’s Anatomy . . .
whoorl: he will be soo busy with having to share our dreams tonight….
is it just me or has anyone seen all of the movies nominated? i live in a van, by the river…
whether long or short it’s what you do with it that counts???? did he just say that…. oh, and I loved his little eyebrow waggle afterward…ooooo Oscar being naughty
Word, GB. I thought her face would crack when she smiled.
Jack is made of wax. The sunglasses are the only real thing we’ve got going on right now.
gb, you know my husband…do you think i’ve seen all of the movies?
btw, i’m coming to your neck of the woods this week. :)
surprise surprise…the inconvenient truth is that it is the least compelling of the documentaries but damn isn’t it wonderful when Hollywood can congratulate itself
oh, dear, Clint, you’re finally getting old…
I’d still do you though
I thought Clint was supposed to have had a botched eye job that got rid of his squintiness – doesn’t look like it tonight.
And yes, I am totally up to date on celebrities’ plastic surgery. Shut up.
then your ass better be at my house sipping some gin and juice. i’m so street and i don’t even know it.
awww… i just know you are here to celebrate my birthday, aren’t you???? rich will be outta here thursday thru whenever, so we are freebirds….
kris: i hope you don’t mind that you are a messageboard. i promised i wouldn’t comment 34 x’s. i think i’m close…
clint = at a madame tousseaud’s near you
not that you’d see him there, Kris ;)
Well, THANK GOD for Celine Dion. I was just thinking that what this show was lacking was a little bit of Celine. We are ALL lacking a little bit of Celine.
again, does every song celine sing, sound the same?
totally, bring on the death montage……
yes, kris. thank you for the messageboard. god forbid i pick up the phone and call gorillabuns.
*so skeered of the phone*
I can’t tell if the speeches are worse or better in a foreign language.
Oui.
i really haven’t been paying attention, but why is quincy jones sitting with the little man?
who knew Clint spoke italian? Did Sergio teach him that?
wtf is he saying? we all nod and smile…
yeah, clint, you know what he is saying.
KB, i’m sorry i’m a wax figure snob. ;)
those italians can’t make a train run on time or get a speech in without going over…
I am TiVoing it….have they shown Brad Pitt at all? Because really, there is no other reason for me to sit through it and watch the whole thing.
No Pitt. He’s in Haiti adopting twins.
Well, hell, that was the only reason I was watching.
THERE IS NO ONE EXCITING IN THIS ENTIRE THING. HONESTLY.
It’s like this every year. The Oscars have sucked and sucked and [music begins] No! Seriously! They suck worse than a two-dollar [music swells] . . . you’ll all . . . and the guy with the . . . [screen fades]
where did you guys go? and is no one watching this awful cirque de soleil stuff? ugh.
the only thing interesting in this whole show are the dancers. damn, they are limber!
omg, blackb. so fun.
Blackbeard = AUA, btw.
ooohhhh….it’s a sing off….
who will win?
omg. that = honor. AUA = old school. ;)
jennifer’s ginormous boob is just itching to pop out of that dress.
isn’t this shit supposed to be over with by now? i’m yawning, trying to stay awake for the death montage… bring it on!
AUA and I are outtie – bed calls. Have fun!
guys, this is the most boring of all time. can someone fall? show their genitals?
Only one reason I’m still watching this shit.
PACIFIC TIME.
Bust on my boyfrien’ not being there:(
And OMG, I am getting Reese Witherspoon’s hair cut! (sorry if that’s already been talked about.)
i think i’m gonna go clean the toilet or something…have fun gals. :)
This Scorcese movie winner lady clearly GOT IT AT ROSS.
WAIT! DEATH MONTAGE! DEATH MONTAGE!
yes, whoorl. and the death montage saves us all from certain death.
helen mirren wins EVERYTHING.
omg, whoorl. she is SO HOT!
didn’t chris what’s his name used to be on MTV?
i’m so sad that ralph’s dad died.
okay, now i can go to sleep.
why yes, he was on MTV. what a step up…
YAY for forest, but i’m kind of sad for scary teeth o’toole.
i just spit on my screen
good to see marty the caterpillar eyebrows win!
yes, where was anna? didn’t she contribute something?
as for forrest, i was rivetted, in an on the edge of my seat kinda of way…the speech kinda scared/scarred me.
YAY MARTY! I’m glad I kept watching after all…
Whoorl out.
whoorl, no! whaddya have a baby or something?
in the immortal words of the movie singles, “he’s just the next martin scorsese…”
over and out!
goodnight all, and THANKS!
in the words of movie people …
AND SCENE. ;)
Helen Mirren caused the two women who’d managed to hang in that long at the Big Gay Oscar party to hope (in unison) that our racks look that good when we’re pushing 70.
And the mystery montage at 11:41 was about “America.” which is why there was so much diversity, hatred and . . Superman.
I know a few extremely typical Oscar voters. They would never, ever vote for Eddie Murphy. Hence I was the only one to get the Supporting Actor category right.
And I like to think that Bug is giving his speech for Best Blog Cat in a Supporting Role.
Don’t watch the Oscars or American Idol but that smartass Ryan Seacrest is a bit underrated.
Oh! I can’t believe you didn’t meantion Gael García Bernal. He’s so hot, I died when he came on stage.
My eyes & mouth are watering just thinking about it. Mmmm.^_^
Woah – 172 comments!
I was just gonna say that i loved me some Au Coton (but hated when them English folk called it “Oh, Coton”.)
Funny post!!
this recap was AWESOME and I’m so disappointed i wasn’t here in real time.
no commentary on Marky Mark? Hellooooo, sir.
Seriously, were you at our Oscar viewing party? Because we had ALL of the same snark…
…Hudson’s Judy Jetson jacket and dress WITH POCKETS? That she used?!?!
…Sunshine kid looking like the front of a Huffy. For reals. Where was the banana seat?
ok, I’ll stop now, just gonna get all riled up again.
Wow.
You really have outdone yourself.
You might as just retire the blog, as the comments from here will generate enough interest to keep people typing for years to come.
;)
All the comments are from me. I just used different logins.
You know, because that’s really easy to do with the new Blogger/Google. The new Bloogle.
I must have forgotten that Gosling was Canadian. Good thing he kept that under wraps during Breaker High.
Wait. Am I the only one who watched that show?
PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN LOOKS LIKE NICK NOLTE’S MUG SHOT.
That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking.
And Leo… yummy! Seriously. Yummy.
Just saying “Hi!” from Indie Bloggers! I LOVE YOUR BLOG! ;)
Dear Kris,
Suck it.
Love,
Stacy
ok … so i was off my computer when all this was going on. But you can have Leo as a long as I can have Reese.
And yes, the borg thing was pretty pointless. Filler for a show that needs trimming.
I liked Ellen. But that kinda shows how dull the show was. If the host is the best part, then it’s time to give the corporate thank you’s the heave-ho.
LOVE it. had most of the same thoughts including ‘leo, you make my groins ache’. damn does he ever!
love the blog and the thumbnail!
loved your blog… and love Leo too!
so i missed it. but now i didn’t! you. are. too. funny!