Oh, God. Just typing it, I can hear how that must sound.
I promise, though, that I’m not that girl. Not the girl who knows within hours she’ll be asked to the junior prom, the one who never spends a Valentine’s Day dressed in black. I just mean that I’m a pleaser, I’m pretty good socially, I get along with most non-personality-disordered folk.
Sigh.
But I lost someone close to me recently. And the termination of this friendship has been dev-a-stating. It didn’t end in the “I don’t feel like calling you back” and maybe “you haven’t called me back so there!” way, but in the “I don’t want to have to see you again” and “I wish death to your babies and their cats and even their koi” kinda way. Well, not really, but you get the gist.
And I have been obsessed.
I ruminate over what I could have done differently. What I should have done to be a better person, to please the other, to deny Nostradamus and Fate and Time their ways. Hours have been spent contemplating just how I would respond to emails. Days have been devoted to whether we’d know each other again in the future. And I’d complain. and I’d sap, and I’d complain some more. This hurts! I’m not used to this!!! Woe. is. Kris.
And today, like it (poof!) appears to the bleached nitwits of afternoon “stories,” it dawned on me: I have been consumed, obsessed, dedicated to a friendship that is no longer, while my Holy Chalice of companionship runneth over.
The people who care for me are ridiculous. (Oh God. Just typing it, I can hear how that must sound. I didn’t mean it that way.)
What I meant. Was. I just know the best people. The gal with the beautiful tatoos who will text that she will be wherever I need her, whatever the time. The friend in Ohio who listens to my pain despite her own, who indulges my feline stories and pales not at my perversions. The kindred Seminole with whom I share a wine glass. The best friend in Seattle who probably doesn’t know I think of her as much as I do; the best friend in DC who doesn’t know that I might love her even more than I do the cats. The playful one, no matter the state. The two blonde/brunette uber-talented women who who hold my heart and who decidedly underestimate their gorgeosity. The beautiful “local” girls who have shared photographs and a blow-up bed in my apartment. The multiple Canadians, who know what good righting (sp?), real friendship and real syrup are made of. The beautiful writer who never frizzes, who meets me for new drinks and new foods. The “en Francais, s’il vous plait?” The beautiful BlogHers. The 25-year-old confidante, a friend for life. And her NYC-trapsing counterpart, a woman never to be phased out.
The bloggers from DC!!!, Seattle, from Michigan, FL, abq, Vegas, CT, NY, PA!, from OH, GA, from LA, CO, NC and from where cheese is moldy milk (and you know you are) whose work addresses I now know, but will only use so they are forced to meet me for drinks someday. The one whose shenanigans I miss. The first readers: the candybars and the vaginas and the inspirational Minnesotan. The gals with two names. The new mom who just bore a baby with a flipped up collar. The three funny ones. The ones I only can wish I’d gone to grad school with (damn, sorry for that dangling preposition, ladies). The slug who had the power to break out into a new relationship, when few things must have been more frightening. The grad school friend in Wisconsin who can’t possibly know how often I think of him and his gold car. The one named after a highway with whom I share texts. And the commenter who can’t begin to appreciate that I know EXACTLY who they are, even if I don’t write back, and that I appreciate the comment and the fact that they even come by this l’il ole site. YOU!!!
My life is so rich.
Damn, I know how that must sound.
What I really meant was . . . ALL MY THANKS.
46 Comments
I suppose now is good as any to de-lurk…
Friend Divorces are the hardest, especially when they were good people.
You are lucky to have such positive people in your life and fond memories.
Breaking up with a friend is always tougher than breaking up with a boyfriend. Why is that? Anyway, reminding yourself what you have instead of focusing on what you have lost is always a good way to move forward. And when that fails, I find solace in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
It’s hard losing friends, especially if you’ve been close for many years. I just wrote on someone else’s blog tonight about how committed I am to my friendships, and apparently so are you and many others. I firmly believe in their value in our lives.
Sweet post. Your life is rich, and if a friendship ends now then it was its time. That’s no gauruntee that it won’t come around. Don’t obsess. Enjoy what you have now.
(says she who recently ended a friendship that took too much, and didn’t give enough in return…..painful but necessary.)
I heart you, Noreen. You’re the best roommate EVAR.
I’m empathetic about the loss of friendship. I’ve had enough of that myself. Upward and onward I always say.
You’re fantastic.
You do have a very rich life. A toast to you, to it, to the people in it! Cheers.
I, too, have to remind myself of these things sometimes. I hope you know that you’re fabulous, too!
<3
Good for you for realizing how fortunate you are for having great friends!
You rule. We are pretty effing awesome.
I know — sometimes it’s easier to think about what we might have lost instead of looking at all the greatness we’ve got. But I think you summed up your greatness really well — you’ve got tons of people who love you, which totally outweighs the person who is dumb enough not to.
You know what I say? If your “friend” doesn’t realize what a wonderful, fantastical, beautiful, talented, and honest woman you are, then it’s truly their loss.
I’m touched. I’m so lucky to have a friend like you. Oh Mama, this slug loves you from the bottom of her fearful, broken and newly healed heart.
You are the shit. The epitome of a BAMF. Rock on.
I have been consumed, obsessed, dedicated to a friendship that is no longer, while my Holy Chalice of companionship runneth over.
You’ve been having a peek at my brain. I am going through this exact same thing right now and IT HURTS. The worst part is the obsession over wanting to know the exact moment at which things took a turn. The wanting to go back in time. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate those who are there for me.
Cause you got to have friends.
No, Zeppelin not Carol Freaking King’s “Tapestry.”
Man, I’m ashamed to know that.
I had to divorce one of my very best friends two years ago and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t speak to her for almost a year, and only now am I able to be around her and not feel like I want to poke her eyes out with toothpicks. Maybe that sounds a bit to harsh. But, well, I’m sure you get the point.
The irony is, for as complicated as my life still seems to be…it’s just calmer and less dramatic without her in it. It’s more peaceful and yet I miss her, each day, still…
You bet your ass we know what good righting is all about, eh?
:)
Looking forward to many, many more years of unlimited, unbridled friendship.
Hugs,
Canadian #2
Cheers to the friends we have! Glad you got past the I wrote 100 songs and they’re all about Joe part and realized that there’s oodles of us that digs on ya. You’re one awesome gal!
How was that? See, I can be sensitive. Can we make out now?
Cheers.
Oh jeez…will ya look at that!?! Jorge says something about bridles and I get so flustered that I comment as **gasp** Anonymous.
Crap…I think I just became ‘that guy.’
Kris we all love you too!
The angst you’re going through, and all your pals, are witness to how big your heart is. Rotten as it is to have to cut ties, when ya gotta, ya gotta. Hang in there, we’re with ya, as friends always are.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
Blogging good.
Friendships are hard to break. Maybe its because when they have been true friends you really do know everything about them. I’m sure its difficult but I’m pretty positive you have lots of people loving you.
That’s always the best part.
your so money and she didn’t even know it.
You can have a ton of friends and the one that is not crazy about you is the one that eats at you…how come boys aren’t like that?
Your blog is funnest to read.
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When you were listing all of those locations, I couldn’t help but think of Howard Dean’s speech.
I agree with JY Biscuit and Nat and empathize with where you are because I am there too. My friend I had to divorce is also family so that adds a nifty layer of drama to the obsessive thoughts.
She and I were once so close that with the destruction of this friendship I feel as if I have failed myself.
But I am also reaching out to new friends and trying to not be afraid to explore other relationship avenues. I can never replace what she was in my life…and maybe that’s ok.
PS Nice one, gorillabuns! LOVE that line.
Of COURSE we LOOOVE YOU!!
Friend break-ups are definitely harder than romatic breakups in my opinion because, well, they’ve been with you despite all of the relationships that come and go. Sigh – but at the end of the day, all relationships are dynamic and changing. Hang in there, doll. You’ll make it.
Cyber hugs ooo
There’s a lot of hurt when a friendship ends. The longer the friendship’s been around, the harder it is to cope with the split. Have faith in yourself. Yes, you have blog-friends. You also have real-life friends. You are a marvelous person and a fantastic writer.
You will never be short on friends. You just have to recognize them.
Btw, I like the template change. It’s nice to mix things up every once in a while.
Aw, very sweet post! I’m sorry about you and your friend, though. Those breakups are the hardest, because who ever thinks a friendship might end?
I will gladly give up all my personal info to you so we can have drinks someday. The sooner the better.
I have been there. I do the same wondering. Sounds to me in addition to being well-liked you’re pretty loyal.
Way to focus on the riches of life hon!
It’s always so hard to go through friend break-ups, so it’s quite remarkable that you can step away and realize all the good that’s going on in your life.
Yay for friends, old and new!
wait, which one am I?
Oh, it’s not all about me? Oh. Murrr.
Have you ever thought about how lucky we are to have you as a friend?
Awwww – this was so sweet! I worry that I am in the process of a friend breakup myself…and I don’t know how to stop it. GAH.
TOTALLY wish we’d caught up with each other this weekend (I was in DC) – but was swamped with wedding stuff. Next time, dearie. Next time.
You sure do have great friends, like anonymous, who just wants to help you make extra cash in your spare time. People are looking out for you!
Listen, Krisser, I absolutely refuse to tell you one more time that you are the greatest.
I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.
You wore me down. You’re the greatest.
This post really resonated with me. In the breakup of my marriage, I also lost my best friend (or at least, what I had believed to be my best friend at the time). And through the sorrow and the healing, I discovered what amazing people my friends are. Kudos to you on realizing how great your friends are too!
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It’s always so hard to go through friend break-ups, so it’s quite remarkable that you can step away and realize all the good that’s going on in your life.
Yay for friends, old and new!
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