Doubts, fear, stomach aches. Calling the wedding off! Telling your parents you’ve made the wrong choice, and that their $50,000 is mostly nonrefundable. Passing out/running away/choosing the best man over your fiance. I can take it.
Inspiring a national frenzy, worrying your parents sick, wasting taxpayer and law enforcement time and funds [...]
Monthly Archives: April 2005
Frozen feet?
04.30.05 –
I’m on a totally different plane
04.28.05 –
I have a fear of flying and it makes me do strange things.
I ended up in a cockpit once. This was pre 9/11, even pre 9/11 1998, and I was on a flight from Newark to London. I hit up an MD to give me some valium, took five on the five-hour flight, and drank [...]
We have Grilled Silence on special tonight.
04.27.05 –
My beau and I sat on baby blue chairs and ate Italian tonight at a small bistro in D.C. The food was good and the company even better.
A father/son pairing sat down next to us, at first chatty. Son looked something like the man who most recently pulled together the boy band formerly [...]
A needy woman does what?
04.22.05 –
Today I brought in two dozen donuts to work. That should make the nice people like me.
And make the mean people fat.
[insert maniacal laughter here.]
Shhh . . . the baby’s sleeping.
04.20.05 –
I expect people in my environment to stay awake under very few circumstances. First and foremost, I would like you to stay coherent should we be out to dinner together, so I don’t have to interrupt my bean burrito to check for signs of life with my compact mirror. I generally expect that [...]
What Las Vegas has taught me (v. 1.0)
04.15.05 –
Being able to smoke anywhere you want is way overrated. My hair, clothes and wrinkle lines may never recover.
The lengthy line for David Copperfield’s performance was noticeably disproportionate to any measurable talent.
White stretch pants are probably not a great choice in any situation or climate.
Margaritas taste better when you’ve just won 50 bucks playing [...]
04.12.05 –
I’m off to Vegas on an earrrrrly flight.
I fully expect to:
1) sit next to/in front of/behind only baby on plane who has inner ear pain during flight,
1a) play nickel slots immediately upon arrival, prior to leaving the terminal,
2) successfully fight my inexplicable urge to see Celine Dion in concert, and, of course,
3) check my [...]
I’m really not right: Part Deux
04.11.05 –
Last night I had the strangest dream . . .
One of my female co-workers (we’ll call her Kathi, using her real name to expose the innocent) was a serial killer and was mercilessly stalking me and my family. She had strange super powers a la Harry Potter and could make herself invisible. Kathi [...]
